The engagement period (The Betrothal period)

All we do must be done in God’s type of Love.

If it is not done in this type

In a way, life on earth is like a betrothal stage, learning about our beloved and how to relate to Him. When we die we go to be with Him and enter into the fullness of the relationships.

Marriage is an entering into the fullness of the relationship that is hinted at during the betrothal period.

Our life on earth is a preparation for the fullness of the relationship we will have with Jesus in heaven so we need to learn the attitudes we have in heaven and develop them in the betrothal period and marriage.

of Love then it is not worth doing


A woman may give up a great deal when she marries:



Close friends


Her Local Church fellowship.

She needs to know that her future husband will step into the space in her life made as a result of her giving up any of these things.

In the betrothal period the future husband must give her the confidence that what she has given  up to marry him he will replace with equal or better.

The way you relate in the betrothal may make or break the marriage or establish a solid foundation for the marriage.

If both betrothed people follow God’s principle for the relationship and the husband builds up the future wife’s security, so she trusts in him, the marriage will begin on a secure footing.

To do this, deliverance of one or both of the betrothed may be necessity.

The betrothal period is the foundation for the marriage and will only be as successful to the degree both are willing to work at it in a Godly way.  You will reap what-you sow and what was sown into the betrothal will be reaped in the marriage

Sow wisely and you will reap a happy marriage.  Sow unwisely and you maybe  better off not being married.

From before creation your life was known to God and planned by Him.  In that plan was a person to marry.  God knew who it was and planted in your heart an image of that person so that your spirit would recognise them and ‘jump for joy’ when you met them.

This book hopes to help you recognise this person and inform you how to behave in the betrothal stage of this precious relationship God has planned for you.

May it bless you as it has blessed me in the writing of it.

Neville Salvetti


The expression of Love is never boring

It has eternal consequences of value

If God’s type of Love is the motivation in your life

Then its expression will have eternal value


Definitions used in this book


The preparation period for marriage where a couple learn to relate in a Godly way to each other

‘court’ = to pay attention with the aim of obtaining favour

‘-ship’ = behaviour

So courtship is the behaviour of seeking favour of another with the objective of marrying them (getting their attention).


The announcement of two people entering into a future matrimonial relationship

‘be’ = belong too

‘-trothed’ = truth (its original meaning)

So betrothed people truthfully belong to each other (as God has put them together).


This really refers to the act of marriage and not married life.  Matrimony correctly refers to that.  I use marriage  in this booklet as matrimony is not a word used these days to describe the married state.

‘mar’ = one who mars 

‘-age = that which belongs or is a function related to

So marriage act is the act of marring something.  It is the act that removes the virginity of a man and woman and mars it.  It culminates the betrothal period which is the period of preparation for marriage.


This is really the word to describe the married state.

‘Matri’ = mother

‘-mony’ =  occurring only in

A mother is so important in the marriage that the word used to describe marriage (matrimony) is derived from the word for mother.  This is why Satan does so much to destroy women as destroying them destroys the household and the marriage.

It is so different to most other relationships because: God initiates it, puts you both together, trains you in the betrothal period for the act of marriage and matrimony and then blesses the union for His sake and of course, your best.  It is up to you to do your part in this process as God can only do His side of the work He is doing in you.

So this book is about betrothal and the preparation for matrimony.


The proper definition of this has nothing to do with marriage but refers to a period in literature and music that deals usually with imaginative and fictional subjects which are not real.  Romantic means to have the quality of romance in form or content.

A worldly romance is Satan’s idea of courtship.  It can seen how true this description is of what Satan offers as romance in place of what Jesus requires of a betrothed couple.  Romance only applies to courtship (Satan’s way of getting a wife).  In romance a person does things to win a persons affections.  In God’s way He brings you your future spouse and says “marry her and love her as I do”.  Then you get to know each other and prepare for the marriage.

How you prepare for the marriage will determine how the marriage develops and  how well it matches what God desires of it.

This is why what the world calls romantic should be really an outflow and result of the love of betrothed people for each other and not a cause to try and get the other to love you.

God says “Here she is!  Show your worthy of her love and respect her!”.  Satan says: “Impress her with your possessions and personality and show your worthwhile as a catch”.

Betrothal and The kingdom of God


The betrothal period is one of the most important periods in the life of a person.  It is the preparatory time for marriage in which the attitudes and habits are formed, in regard to the future spouse, that you will take into your marriage and which will be built on by God during the marriage, providing you let The Holy Spirit lead you in the preparation of the marriage and the marriage itself.  Most marriages fail before they start as this preparatory time is not approached properly and so the marriage starts on a wrong foundation, at times for the wrong reasons and ends up falling apart.  This is especially so if the marriage has been based on romance and emotion for the purposes of self-esteem or self-gratification and not because it is a betrothal by God for the purposes of The Kingdom of God.

If the betrothal period is correctly lived as God wants it to be, then the only main differences between that and matrimony is that you now live together, are able to share everything and can have sex.

This booklet aims to give you an understanding of this period of betrothal so that the foundation for the marriage will be correctly formed and you will have a firm basis on which to continue to build on in the marriage so that it will be lived as citizens of God should live in a the marriage relationship.

Guidelines for using this book

It is suggested this book be read together by a betrothed couple so they can discuss any problems they have in regard to what it suggests they do.  It may also be suitable for class discussion.  Use it as The Holy Spirit says to. After all He is your teacher (Job 32:8)

I give you the following suggestions

Ask The Holy Spirit to give you understanding of what you read in this book

Put into practice what you read or else your effort reading this book will be wasted

Always do what The Holy Spirit says and not what man writes or says.

The following prayer may be useful

Lord, we give you our betrothal and ask you Holy Spirit to guide us and teach us what we need to know to prepare for marriage.  We ask you to show how we should relate to you and to each other in this betrothal relationship so that we bring You Honour and Glory as we learn what we need to know to prepare ourselves for marriage.  So Lord Jesus we give you the whole betrothal situation to be Lord of.

Satan you have no right to work in these areas now as it belongs to Jesus so in Jesus Name go to the Throne of Judgment and be dealt with by Jesus if try to interfere in any way.  Holy Spirit take his place please.

Than you Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit.

The rules of The Kingdom apply to a betrothal

The basic rule of The Kingdom is to love others as God Loves you and there are no exceptions provided by God in obeying this command.

Jesus is Lord and you serve Him with what you do including who you marry and how you relate to them so you need to determine whom He wants you to marry and not do what the world says you should do to find a wife.

You must not be unequally yoked spiritually 2 Cor 6:14

You belong to a different Kingdom of that of the world with different values and purposes so must marry someone with the same Christian values and purposes.

Being unequally yoked will stop the relationship walking in unity of Spirit (Amos 3:3) because your spirits belong to different kings and cannot ever be one

You can be unequally yoked if you are led by The Holy Spirit and your betrothed, who is a Christian, refuses to be personally led or believe you can be led by The Holy Spirit.  There can be a unity in the common spirit but not as God wants as you are both not led by The Spirit to be able to hear what He wants you both to do for Him in the betrothal period and marriage.

In regard to choosing a wife:

It must be God’s Will for the couple

You must be Spirit led in choosing spouse so you will know the one God wants for you

You must know how to discern The Will of God

You must be certain you are to marry them before you start the betrothal period

The purposes of The King overrides all other purposes if only because they are best for you and if these purposes are followed in the betrothal period then you will be blessed in a special way in your marriage.


The main attitude a betrothed person should have in betrothal and in the subsequent marriage is love, the same type of Love God has for each of us.

In the prebetrothal, betrothal and matrimony stages the only difference should be the degree of intimacy.  The quality of love your have for each other should not change in any of these stages.  Only the way God allows your to express it changes.

While love to our spouse will be a natural expression of how your feel toward them it will require will power and effort at times to carry out what our love desires to do for them or needs to be done for them.

This difficulty will be because either:

Satan is trying to stop you expressing your love to your spouse, or

You do not know how to express it properly, or

We need to give up or change something in our lifestyle to be able to show your love to them correctly.  This is often the biggest reason for love not being expressed.  (Deliverance may be necessary for this to be possible), or

Fear of exposure (self-protection as your still do not yet fully trust the love of your betrothed).

Satan will try to turn your love into lust and harm the relationship and only true self disciplined love for your betrothed will prevent this.

How should your love your betrothed:

We are to love our betrothed as Jesus loves them!

We should rejoice that God has given us our a betrothed and all that goes with it that are signs of His blessing toward you both, and you should be thankful to Him for these.

In the peace you have with your betrothed because of the unity in The Spirit you have with your betrothed and all you do together because of your love for each other.

In the patience you express to your betrothed as you seek to serve them and train them in the way God wants them trained and in the process mature in to a better spouse

Tenderness in the way you relate toy your future spouse and any children they have out of your love for them

Seeking the best for your betrothed because you love them

Trusting God for all that happens to you in the betrothal and the later marriage relationship

In humility serving your betrothed as God serves them in all He does for you and they

Moderation in all you do so that you can provide for your betrothed and not corrupt them through immoderation.

Love for your betrothed is the motivation for all you do for them

The way of the person who expresses God’s Love to their Spouse

A person who loves their betrothed will be patient with and tolerant of any problems they have as you work with God to help their future spouse overcome any weaknesses you and they have.

They are gentle and compassionate and do only what helps them and their betrothed grow closer to Jesus and The Father as well as mature into what God desires them to mature into

They do not envy what God has allowed their spouse to do or achieve and they help them in any way they can as they Serve Jesus out of love for Him and not for the purposes of self-esteem, self-worth or of any other benefit to them.  They do not use the successes of their betrothed for purposes of their own self-esteem or gain

They do not promote their own abilities in the relationship when it will cause others to feel inadequate or worthless

The do not embarrass their betrothed through inappropriate behaviour either to them, their future spouse or others

They do not promote them self if it means their spouse or family will be brought into disrepute or emotionally damaged in any way

They are not upset by things their betrothed does to them and serve them in spite of what their betrothed does to them just as God serves them in spite of our rejection of Him

They do not look for evil in their betrothed or denigrate them in any way or think wrong things about them but accept them as they are, build on that and help them be the person God desires their betrothed to be

They rejoice in the good their betrothed does and in the character and strength of God in their betrothed

They do not complain when their betrothed wrongs them but seeks God for how to help their betrothed overcome weaknesses they have.

They look always positive at their betrothed and the betrothed’s  relationship with God, helping them to overcome any weaknesses they have.

They seek what benefits (is good for) their betrothed as good stewards of them and help them become more intimate (closer to God)

They are never angry at their betrothed, react to them or assume things about them.  They always ask The Holy Spirit what to do before they act.

Their relationship with God enables them to relate to their betrothed in a correct manner.

If there is any fear of your betrothed or of the coming marriage then one or both of your need deliverance and should have it as soon as you can so Satan cannot use any weakness in the marriage to harm one or both of you.

There should be no fear in love. Your should never put fear in your betrothed in any way or at any time as it will slowly kill the love they have for you.

Love covers (overlooks) the sins (failings/weaknesses) of your betrothed and will help them with deliverance from these weaknesses and will support them as you both try and deal with their weaknesses or failings.

It does not ignore these but does not react to them or be offended by them but seeks to help them overcome them.

Not wanting to give up what you have to change by holding onto past things your enjoy is probably the biggest hindrance to a person expressing their love (in the way God wants them to express it) to their betrothed (Luke 9:62).  There may also be a fear of exposure of who you are because you still do not fully trust the love your betrothed has for you.  Self protectiveness  destroys a marriage very quickly.

All of these wrong attitudes show a need for deliverance which is why I recommend betrothed people go through deliverance before they are married to remove problems Satan can use to attack the marriage.

You cannot express God’s Love when you cannot express Jesus in your life as His love is expressed as a natural outflow of The Holy Spirit working in and through your life.

If your cannot express God’s love in an area then Jesus is not Lord in that area and deliverance and/or Lordship commitment will be needed to deal with this inability to express God’s Love to others in that area.

What are your willing to give up to show your love to your betrothed in the way Jesus Loves her?  Jesus gave up all to show His Love to His Bride (The Body).

Gentleness (kindness out of compassion and love)

People who love as Jesus loves cannot willingly hurt another or be harsh with them. This term ‘gentleness’ portrays this. It is kindness and compassion to others out of love for them. It is the attitude Jesus has with sinners and the unlovely that the world discards and that many have difficulty relating too. It is an expression of the Love Jesus has to all.

The betrothed should be a gentle man in all he does with and for his future spouse both during the betrothal period and in the marriage.  She is a gift from God and should be treated as such.

He should never raise his voice, shout at, abuse her or intimidate her in any way.  These will cause her to doubt his love to her or put fear in her.  Love is gentle and this should showed in all he does for or with her.  When he talks it should edify her in some way or praise her to others.  It should be sound speech seasoned with grace, building her up in an area of her life and encouraging her in her femininity.

The husband who is gentle too, considerate of and appreciate of his wife, showing love in all he does in relationship to her will be rewarded by her increased desire and love for him, both physically and spiritually as well as the loving, respectful service she will give to him.

Love given will have a response of love reciprocated from the person you show this love too. This is the key to a marriage, for the husband to love his wife as Jesus love her so that she feels sufficiently secure in the relationship to love him back with the same type of love and to emotionally and physically express herself freely and lovingly toward him.  This type of Love is matured in the betrothal period and reaches its fulfillment in the act of marriage (sex).

These attitudes are prepared in the betrothal period and matured in the marriage.

The Bible says of true Christian Love:

‘Against such there is no law’

Against such there can be no law as Love fulfills God’s requirements of The Law and the ‘fruit of the Spirit’ is the expression of God’s Love to us, and through us, to all.

As your show God’s type of Love to your betrothed your will fulfill Gods requirements of you and you will relate to your betrothed as God desires your too.

How does a person encourage a person to love

They heal any hurts stopping the person being able to love

They accept them as they are so the person can be them self

They serve them in love so that the person knows they are worth loving

They listen to them so the person knows they are worth listening to and will not be afraid to express them self

They praise the person and as appropriate criticize constructively and in humility

Nothing is worth doing or keeping if it hinders the Love of God being expressed to another

No service is too menial if it expresses the Love of God to another

God’s type of Love should be the source of all you do

What is not of love is sin.

Love and Security

Love makes a person feel secure

In a marriage or betrothal relationship the only way to have a spouse who is secure is to love her as Jesus does and then she will respond as God desires her too.

This will also stop Satan placing doubt or fear in her about your love for her so that there will be no walls or barriers built up in the relationship with her.


Self discipline is required to start and maintain a relationship so that you relate as God wants you to and so that the ‘flesh’ (lustful desires) do not rule the relationship.  Your will must override any wrong desires you have in respect of the other person so that you can love them as God loves them

A relationship built on God’s type of Love will last.  One built on  fleshly desires will last as long as the flesh is satisfied.  This is why it is necessary to be led by The Holy Spirit in all you do so that He will guide you to relate as God desires you too.

In the betrothal period you need  the basis of the marriage is to be worked at and the basis of this effort is Love.


Dating to find a marriage partner is not God’s way of doing things

It allows Satan to find a partner for you

It shows you do not trust God to provide a partner for you

Going out as a group is not dating but socialising

Dating cannot be an indication you are to marry if God has brought you together and you are now getting to know one another in preparation for possible formal engagement and marriage.

Dating is just another name for socialising and you must do that within the parameters God sets for you and not those of Satan.  Satan has made it what it is today but it was never intended to be that way in God’s scheme of things.

You should only start dating after you both agree you are to marry.

Romancing should now occur in the dating period not to win her heart but to show you appreciate her for who she is and desire her because God has given her to you to marry.

Formal engagement cements the betrothal period and marks the time to begin setting up the marriage household (if you have not done so already).  Relational problems should have been sorted out early in the betrothal period before formal engagement occurred.

Remember, the moment God informs you both that you are to marry you are betrothed in His eyes and if you have sex then you are married in His eyes as you have consummated the marriage. To separate then is the equivalent of divorce in His eyes.

In fact before the church took over marriage, you were married if you exchanged vows in front of witnesses so that no legal or church ceremony was necessary.  In the eyes of God this has not changed.  So if you agree to marry and have sex then you are married in the eyes of God and to separate is a form of divorce which God hates.

In other words, marry in haste, repent at leisure.  This is why sex should be done after yo marry a person you are certain you are to marry and not one you just think you might marry.

God provides a wife

Prov 18:12  Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

How do you find your wife?  God puts you together and brings you to each other.

Matt 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

In Matt 6:33 we are told God will supply all you need if you seek the purposes of His Kingdom and that includes a wife.  He has said it is not good for man to be alone and only a wife can fix that situation in the way God desires it to be fixed.

Before God can bless you it requires you to be in a relationship with Him that allows Him to bless you.  You must be doing what He requires you to do for Him.  He will not bring a godly wife to an ungodly man (and vice versa) but Satan will.  This is why you need to be led by The Holy Spirit to discern who has brought this person to you to marry.

Remember that Satan will always try to provide his solution before God provides His perfect one.  This is why you just always check the source of an answer to prayer or provision.

To find a godly wife focus on your relationship with Jesus and He will bring one to you without you having to search for her or worry about ever being married.  It will be on the path He has for you, in His timing and not yours (Matt 6:33, Eph 2:10 apply).  When you are ready and matured sufficiently to manage the responsibilities of betrothal and subsequent marriage He will provide a wife.

A Christian will find a partner using Satan’s methods but heartache will result and it usually will not be the one God wants them to find.  Through this wrong marriage partner Satan minimizes any effectiveness of ministry they would do for God as a couple when compared to what would have been achieved if they had each married the right person.

So wait for God to bring you the one He wants you to marry and be led by The Spirit in the relationship showing God’s love to the other person in all the ways

you relate to them and you will have a relationship that will be admired and desired by all who do not have this Godly type of marriage relationship.

Remember that Satan will try and bring his wife to you before God does so that dating may result in marrying his choice of wife and not the perfect one God has picked out for you.

If God does not bring a spouse to you, then that is what is best for you to get to heaven.  Getting to heaven is more impotent than being married.

Satan promotes His way of courtship in the Media

It is the opposite of what God wants

It is based on Lust not Love

It is designed to promote love = sex

It is designed to form shallow relationships

It is built on sex, appearance, wealth and mutual attraction

It promotes sleeping or living with different people to test out partners and seeing if you relate to each other in a reasonable way

It promotes living together rather than marriage

It does not promote the long term commitment that marriage has

It allows changing partners without any legal complications

It allows sex experimentation outside the relationship without worrying about legal problems

It destroys marriage and the family as a structure

Gimmicks and romance

If Jesus has betrothed you then you do not need the gimmicks that Satan promotes through the media He controls.  Satan tries to suggest you need these gimmicks to attract a spouse (so you will not find God’s one for you).  But these are not necessary to attract and keep a spouse as God knows who you are to marry and will bring you too each other and you will both know you are to marry.

Satan also suggests you need makeup, perfume, modern clothes etc to be beautiful in direct contrast to what God recommends in 1 Pet 3:3-4.

Expressions of love (flowers, chocolate etc.), even though not needed, should be an expression of your love and not attempt to cause another to be attracted to you.

Whatever Satan shows through the media (specially movies and television) is wrong for you so you need to avoid what he says through them and seek what God says to do.

A man needs to show love and respect and dress modestly in a way that pleases his future wife.  He must also learn how to be a gentleman and show her manners and consideration appropriate to the relationship.

A woman must dress modestly as she does not need to reveal her flesh to attract her spouse.  Too much exposed flesh may cause desire that will result in sin.  She is to hide her body and keep it for her betrothed alone for when they are married.  She needs to know how to behave as a lady in a way appropriate to his gentlemanly manners toward her.

The lives of both are examples for people to see Jesus and should show His love and desired behaviour in all the things they do.  This will turn their betrothed period and marriage into an act of worship to Him and bring Him Glory.

Each must learn to anticipate the problems and needs of the other so they can serve each other as needed.  This will only occur properly if both are guided in the relationship by The Holy Spirit


Dating to find a marriage partner is not God’s way of doing things

It allows Satan to find a partner for you

It shows you do not trust God to provide a partner for you

Going out as a group is not dating but socialising

Dating is just another name for socialising and you must do that within the parameters God sets for you and not those of Satan.  Satan has made it what it is today but it was never intended to be that way in God’s scheme of things.

You should only start dating after you both agree you are to marry (in the betrothal period)

Romancing should now occur in the dating period not to win her heart but to show you appreciate her for who she is and desire her because God has given her to you to marry.

Formal engagement cements the betrothal period and marks the time to begin setting up the marriage household (if you have not done so already).  Relational problems should have been sorted out early in the betrothal period before formal engagement occurred.

Remember, the moment God informs you both that you are to marry you are betrothed in His eyes.

If Jesus has betrothed you then you do not need the gimmicks that Satan promotes through the media He controls.   He tries to suggest you need these gimmicks to attract a spouse (so you will not find God’s one for you) but these are not necessary to attract and keep a spouse as God knows who you are to marry and will bring you too each other.

Satan also suggests you need makeup, perfume, modern clothes etc to be beautiful in direct contrast to what God recommends in 1 Pet 3:3-4.

Expressions of love (flowers, chocolate etc.), even though not needed, should be an expression of your love and not attempt to cause another to be attracted to you.

A man needs to show love and respect and dress modestly in a way that pleases his future wife.  He must also learn how to be a gentleman and show her manners and consideration appropriate to the relationship.

A woman must dress modestly as she does not need to reveal her flesh to attract her spouse.  Too much exposed flesh may cause desire that will result in sin.  She is to hide her body and keep it for her future husband alone for when they are married.  She needs to know how to behave as a lady in a way appropriate to his gentlemanly manners toward her.

The lives of both are examples for people to see Jesus and it should show His love and desired behaviour in all the things they do.  This will turn their betrothal; period and marriage into an act of worship to Him and bring Him Glory.

The Stages of Betrothal

The Introductory Stage

You know in your inner spirit (and heart) that you are brought together by God and need to start to learn about each other.  Satan will try and pollute the love you are learning for each other with sensuality.  God will reveal enough of the other person’s character so you will love them for who they are.  There will respect for each other and respect will grow into love if nurtured properly.  The betrothal is entered into out of obedience to God and if you respect each other and look for the best in each other love will start to blossom.

The Excitement Stage

This stage is where you delight to be with each other and do things together and their presence excites your spirit.  Satan will try and turn this to lust so you will have sex or similar.  This expression of lust is designed by Satan to make you feel guilty and to drive the future spouse away as they do not feel appreciated for who they are but only for their body.

The Sober Stage

In this stage you are more sober in your desire for each other and start to look at the practicalities of marriage and the preparation for it but there is still a strong desire to be with each other.   You can be apart and will not fret or need to be near each other as you know in your hearth the peace that comes from the commitment to each other.

The Final Stage

This is the stage in which you are ready for marriage.  Emotion and feelings are not the reason you marriage as your love is deeper than anything these can be.  In your heart is the knowledge and affirmation that it is God’s Will for you to marry and that all the promises God has made for you in marriage both as a couple and individually will occur.  It is God’s Will that you marry and so you work at preparing for the marriage knowing that not too is disobedience.  Besides you love the person and desire to do this.

Jesus is then Lord of the marriage as the marriage is out of obedience to Him as God.  He is first in all the things they do individually and as a couple.  The marriage then becomes an act of continual worship even if only by the fact that they stay married because God has bought them together

In This level love is pure and the desire for fulfillment through sex is not that important in the relationship.  You are not clouded by the desires of the flesh so that you can clearly hear what God wants you to do to prepare for marriage as well as in the marraige.  This is the stage you should be at when you marry.

When you reach the highest level of a betrothal relationship sensuality is not a problem as you show your love and appreciation for the other person’s body in a Godly way.

Your Love is a knowing love.  It knows the depths of the other person’s love for you and because it is not clouded by emotion or feeling you can clearly hear The Holy Spirit and what He wants you to do for your betrothed.  This should be the state in which you enter marriage or at least try to achieve in marriage.

The expression of this type of love is no longer sensual but purer and unpolluted by passion so that sex, when it is eventually allowed by God as a result of marriage will become a true expression of your love for your spouse as you seek to give them pleasure before your own and do so even if you do not obtain any.  This selfless expression of love will cause a response in the spouse and they will desire to love you without lust or a desire to obtain pleasure themselves.  They will respond to your love for them for your desiring their pleasure above your own.

If you know God has brought you together then divorce is disobedience.  Besides, your love for each other should prevent problems arising that will lead to separation or divorce.  You will both listen to The Holy Spirit so that you do the Will of God so that self is not a problem because it is obedient to the Will of God.

Being guided by The Holy Spirit, communicating fears and hurts as they occur, showing your love and appreciation for your betrothed as well as serving them out of Love for them, will stop the emotional and mental walls being put up that kills love and leads to separation and divorce.


Intimacy is not sex or heavy petting (as Satan would have you believe).  It is the sharing of the deep things of the heart that you would not dare tell others.

There are no secrets between you and God so it is the deepest intimacy you can have if you so desire it.

With betrothed (and married couples), from the first meeting there should be no secrets between them.  Your spouse will overlook the past as the present shows you have  been delivered from it and they should only be looking at the present situation anyway (Luke 9:62).The past is only needed to be looked at for the purposes of deliverance and then usually only areas or weakness and not specific events (sins and failings) and even then these should not be dwelt on (Luke 9:62).

Your sins are remitted at the Cross (the spiritual effects removed from you as if they had never occurred and you are not just forgiven) and so no longer are of relevance unless they need to be referred to only for the purposes of working our basic causes or weaknesses so that these can be dealt with through deliverance.  Any other purpose is ungodly and will not be honoured by God.

Weaknesses and problems areas should be discussed but only for the purposes of deliverance and encouragement (Luke 9:62 applies).  The couple that have no secrets are an intimate one.  The past is gone and only needs to be referred to for the purposes of deliverance or for the purposes of teaching others how God has dealt with a situation.

You must learn To love your spouse for who they are spiritually and not be influenced by the physical in any way, then you will have a good foundation for ministry as well as for the marriage and if this is developed further in the marriage, you will also have a good foundation for the relationship in eternity.

Focus in Courtship

The focus in the betrothal period is the same as in the marriage period.


Family (the betrothed is now part of your family and you of hers)



The Lordship of Jesus and His Will is our primary focus

The needs of your family or betrothed are next

Then you must focus on the task you have at work/employment where you obtain the money you need to meet most of the physical needs of the family.

Finally the needs of those outside work and the family can be met.

Remember!  If you do not provide for the needs of your own family God says you are worse than an unbeliever.

In regard to ministry, if you cannot care for in a responsible way and love your wife and family (or betrothed) that God has given you how can He trust you to serve the needs of others in His Body!

Unless you have the first three categories correct in your life, (or at least trying to get them correct so He can help you with them), how can He trust you with anything else of His?  Especially His People?

Remember that all you do should be motivated by love for Jesus and the people He asks you to serve and care for on His behalf.  If ministry is for any other reason such as: acceptance, recognition or to obtain self-esteem, He can use it but it is mainly wasted as He cannot bless it as it is done for your pleasure and not His purposes.

However He may be able to bless the person ministered too because their attitude may be correct toward Him even though yours may not be.


Are you ready for marriage?

Do you feel adequate to fulfill the roles you will be called to carry out when married?

If God has called together to be married you will be at the stage of Christian maturity He expects you to be at and He will work through the betrothal period to prepare you both for marriage.

If God has called you together then Satan will work to break up the betrothal or stop you being prepared by God for marriage so that you and go into marriage with problems he can use to try and destroy the marriage.

The problems and conflicts Satan causes in and too the relationship, if dealt with properly, will be used by God to remove problems in the relationship as well as also to strengthen it and also to mature you as a Christian and also to draw you both closer together.

Satan will try and place on you negative emotions and attitudes that will either hinder your learning what God wants you to learn or will break up the betrothal (engagement) so the marriage does not occur.

Satan will try and make you doubt you are to marry the person.  This is why you must be sure God wants you to be married to that person so you can fight the doubt Satan places on you with the truth that God wants you to both be married to each other

If Satan cannot blind you to the weaknesses in your character that will hinder the betrothal and subsequent marriage, so that you are able to deal with them, then he will try and use them to cause you doubt about your adequacy to marry or your being acceptable to your future spouse

This is where you will need deliverance to deal with these weaknesses so that Satan cannot use them against you.

You are adequate for marriage because:

God has called you to it so has prepared you for it and will help you to deal with whatever happens in the marriage relationship.

If you were not adequate why would Satan try and make believe that you are not adequate. He only attacks What you have, not what you do not have so you will not find out you have this weakness!

You are adequate in Jesus because in your relating to Him He prepares what you need to be to do what He asks you to do

You are only required to love as Jesus Loves.  If you cannot then deliverance in some area will be necessary. You will fail in obedience to Jesus but all that God asks you to do is to repent and to keep on trying to do His Will for you each day.  God only asks you to do this and to leave the future to Him (Matt 6:33).

 As you do this you are being matured to what He desires you to be at each stage of the betrothal period in preparation for marriage.

All you need for any aspect of your life will be on the path He has prepared for you to walk in before creation began.  This is why you need to be guided by The Holy Spirit in all you do as He knows the path so can guide you to stay on it.

If you doubt your adequacy and abilities you are saying God has made a mistake with you and at that point of time you are not what you should be for what He has called you to do.  If you are not trying to obey Him then you are not where you should be because of your disobedience and because you are not following the path of Mat 6:33!  You are reaping what you have sown (Gal 6:7-8)

If yourself worth is based on Jesus and not on your idea of a what you should be you will trust Him for how He has made you adequate for betrothal and then marriage.  Self worth, self esteem and your abilities will not be a problem as they will be based on His value of you and not from your own reason which Satan will try and influence so that you will have a wrong opinion of yourself.

Whenever relating to your betrothed or your spouse never become angry, assume things or react but ask The Holy Spirit if what they said is correct as well as how to respond to what they have said.  This also applies to thoughts that come into your mind whose source could be The Holy Spirit, Satan or yourself.

If you take all to Jesus you will never have problems in regard to adequacy and ability as The Holy sprint will tell what you need to do in the situation you are in and will strengthen you and guide you to work through the situation you are in.

Trusting people

You must trust or respect a person before you can accept them or what they say or you will be too busy defending yourself or seeing how you are affected by what they say.  If you cannot trust a person you want to love then you need deliverance so you will be free and know your adequacy in Jesus and what He has done for, in and through you.

Breathing Space

Everyone requires space at times, either mental, emotional or physical, and you need to know when you are to allow them this space.  The reason they need it may not be important but the fact they need it is and if you love them you will grant them this space, step back and wait until you are allowed to enter it again.

How you know it is the right person to marry?

May 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

An overview

The Holy Spirit will give both of you peace about the relationship and coming marriage.  The relationship will not be based on looks, ability, any selfish gain made form the marriage but will be for whom she is as a person.  God will not place blockages in the path to marriage but He will be central to the relationship and all will flow eve nthough there may be a few problems.  There will be problems but  because you both take them to Jesus they will be sorted out and both will agree on the solution as Jesus has given it.

The expression of God’s quality of love will be Central to the relationship and each willserve each other and not seek to control or use the other for selfish purposes.

How do friends relate?

Socialising  is mixing with others at the basic level of relating to others. From this friendships develop. The deeper the friendship the More intimate the relationship.

Betrothal is a more intimate relationship of friendship second only To marriage in regard to intimacy of earthly relationships.

The most intimate relationship is with God.

Do not look for the person you are going to marry amongst close friends as God may have someone in another town or country that He desires you to marry!

God and Satan organize marriages. 

When God does it:

God does something in your hearts and you know you are to marry

There is no infatuation or lust, only a desire to be with the person and do what is best to serve them.  The Nature of true love is that of a servant.

When you are apart there is no fear of losing them

You love them with a true love so that problems and fears are sorted out and you can talk to each other about anything.

You love the sound of their voice and being in their presence.  When you are together time has no meaning.

Their appearance does not matter as it is who they are inside as a person that matters to you.

The past does not matter as it is what they are at that moment that attracts you.  They are God’s prepared workmanship or He would not have brought them to you to marry.  To complain about the person is to deny God’s perfect workmanship and is rebellion.  This does not mean they may not have faults or need deliverance but that they are the perfect one for you for God to begin to further mould you and them to His image individually and as a couple.

Everything you do as a couple is centred on Jesus and His Will and you both put His Kingdom and His Purposes before your own.

You do not cause each other to sin.  You cannot as Love does no harm to another.  If there are problems with love in any area then you help each other understand the problem and change what is necessary as well as do any necessary deliverance to remove any problem.

You are unable to hurt them or bring the relationship with them into disrepute as you love them so much.

You have peace about them being your partner and everything you both do in the relationship.

There will be purpose and direction because of the unity of The Holy Spirit.  In the marriage they will also be as if they are one through the unifying Holy Spirit in them as well as the soul ties resulting from sex after they are married.  In  a sense it is like the trinity: one in heart, one in soul and one in spirit through The Holy Spirit but separate people.

Circumstances just seem to fall into place in the marriage preparation and you have peace about them and every area and activity you have in the relationship with them and if anything does cause problems it is quickly sorted out and removed.

Never be angry with your future spouse, assume things about them, ague with them or react to what the do or say but ask The Holy Spirit what to do.  These are mechanisms of self defence that should not be in a marriage where both are completely open to each other.

Satan will try to destroy the betrothal and engagement and will try to drive you apart through creating problems a d tension.  This shows it is not a marriage he wants to occur.

You desire to be together, not only because of being with each other, but also to serve Jesus in the marriage so you can:

Be fruitful and multiply (children and saved souls)

Share Christ to others as a couple by life (example as individuals and a married couple)  and word (through teaching and preaching) and by this demonstrate The Kingdom of God to them

Show how beautiful marriage is when Jesus is central to all of it

Share ministry equally as a couple, united by The Holy Spirit demonstrating the Power and Leading of The Holy Spirit, bringing Glory to The Father and Jesus.  Both will have different gifts and anointings as God brings together people who compliment each other spiritually and you must learn to develop each others giftings and how to use them in ministry.

It is only as The Holy Spirit leads in this preparation time leading up to the marriage and in the subsequent marriage can these things occur.

A couple whose hearts are joined by God walk in love and their love for each other influences all they do and overflows to all around them.  Only as Jesus is Lord of the marriage can this occur.  For a marriage of love to occur Jesus must be the Lord of each partner and they each need to be led by The Holy Spirit in all their relationships and activities with each other and to those around them.  There will be no lust in the relationship as they seek to serve the other partner before the self.

Lust serves itself first.  Love Serves the need of the other first.  If you love the spouse you will desire to meet their needs and to give them pleasure before your own and will have pleasure from the pleasure you give them.  This will be in everything and not just in sex.  This attitude of service to your spouse is matured in  the betrothal period in preparation for its fulfillment in sex and marriage.

When your spouse is the one God has chosen for you, sex is not important.  You desire their presence and to be one with them in heart and spirit and this is more important than anything else.  You encourage each other just by the joy of being together and hearing each others voice with their words of love toward you and also because of the anticipation of the coming marriage and life together that will result.

In heaven there is no sex, but the same fulfillment is found in the purer relationship you have with your former spouse where love and its expression is experienced in its purity and fullness and this is the relationship we need to practice on earth in preparation for its expression in heaven.

The unity of purpose that they have, because they are led by The Holy Spirit, also encourages each other as they see the purpose Jesus has for them in the marriage and embrace these out of love and  for Him the joy they have in serving Him.

You will  know in your heart they are the one and all that happens in the relationship will confirm it.

This type of love can grow and mature and become more intimate as there is no fear or walls to stop communication and intimacy from developing.  There is no concerned about rejection because they have offended their spouse because love accepts people as they are and does not judge, shame or condemn people when they fail but helps them overcome problems and weaknesses regardless of the cost to themselves (James 5:16).

As you pursue true love for your partner it grows deeper and there is more peace, joy and intimacy in the relationship regardless what happens.  You also will not purposely offend them and in all interactions with them you will show God’s Love ( The Fruit of The Holy Spirit) in all you do.  You will be: gentle, kind, considerate, patient, unselfish, undemanding in things and will put their needs before your own in all you do with them.

If a person truly loves another as Jesus loves that person they will not try to control that person or to to draw that person into sin, sexual or other.  Jesus will provide an activity to replace the sexual temptations that will be more in keeping with what He wants them to do (1 Cor 10:1`3) so that premarital sex will not mar the relationship.

The desire for your spouse should not only be for the anticipated joy of sex but for the pleasure of always being with them serving them and doing things together.  The joy of sex will result from the response of your future spouse because you have this attitude of love toward them.

It is only as a man lovingly serves his wife that she will be able to respond in the way she should.

This self denial will make the relationship stronger as the other partner sees your love for them and that they consider your needs above their own needs and desires.

Love in marriage is more than just smooching, cuddling, sex, having a good time etc., (as Satan implies in the media).  It is shown in the everyday things in which you show your love in service to your spouse:

The wife:

Washing clothes

Keeping the house clean

Keeping people fed and healthy

Submitting domestically etc.

The Husband

Maintaining the house and land

Supplying the needs of the family

Nurturing and loving his wife and family in sickness and health.

Providing good headship and guidance for the family etc.

Together serving each other as is necessary for their best.

Washing the dishes


Helping each other as needed.

The pleasure of just being with them etc.

You do these because you love your spouse and want to help and serve them.  God is Love and we are to desire to be like Him in the way we love others and the nature of love is selfless service.

If this is not what you desire now for each other then do not marry until it is.

Always remember that love does not do for another what they should be doing for themself but helps them when it is necessary to do so.  Love, however, will serve another in the things that it is not necessary for the other to do and which either of them can do.

An example is driving children somewhere.  There is no specific role in either gender for this so the husband can show love to the wife and do it to save her having too.  Where the activity belongs to one or the other’s roles then permission is needed to take over from the other spouse and show love through doing it for them.  The Holy Spirit will show you what roles God has given you in the marriage and there should be being prepared in the betrothal period.

This service to your future spouse is not done to be appreciated or for the purposes of self-esteem.  The love of your spouse for you should give you worth and esteem and they should also appreciate you for who you are and not for just what you do. Service to the spouse should be a response of your love for them and their appreciation of you.

In the betrothal period all correct attitudes need to be developed and matured and the wrong ones dealt with. After all, this period is the training ground for matrimony and any mistakes here are harder to fix up in the marriage.  The bonding must be in the spiritual so that hearts and spirit are knit as one in unity and purpose.  This is how union is in heaven between husband and wife and it is shown in the spiritual dimensions on earth as loving service and in the physical it is further expressed in marriage as sex.

Remember that everything begins in the spiritual in the relationship between each spouse and Jesus and is reflected subsequently in some way in the physical.

There should be no sex in the betrothal period.  Sex is the act of marriage and immediately turns the betrothal into a marriage state so that in the eyes of God you are married.  If you are engaged (betrothed) and you have sex with each other then in the eyes of God you are married.  If you live together as husband and wife and have sex with each other, then in the eyes of God you are married.

The betrothal period is where you learn how to meet the emotional needs and hurts of your betrothed so these can be dealt with before the marriage.  This is necessary so that the marriage will not be hindered by emotional needs and hurts that have not been dealt with which will hinder and damage the marriage relationship.

The classic example is in regard to people who have been raped or sexually molested.  Unless they are delivered of the spiritual consequences of these acts (demons transferred to them during rape or molestation) they will always have problems with sex.  This is because of the fears they have which are associated with the abuse and hurts they had from the rape or molestation which the demons will use to cause problems in the marriage.

If you cannot love your betrothed sufficiently to meet their emotional needs before you are living together as husband and wife you should not marry until you can do this because things will only get worse in the marriage.  Marriage does not solve problems.  It creates them.  Satan makes sure of this as he attacks the marriage.  This is why you need to go through deliverance and be led by The Holy Spirit in the relationship so you can be shown by Him how to solve problems in the relationship as well as to develop the relationship in this betrothal period.

It is better to try to meet their emotional needs and hurts before marriage and see if you can do this than find after you are married you cannot meet them.  Deliverance is important for this meeting of needs and should occur before marriage so that these hurts are not taken into the marriage and cause problems.

Love your betrothed because they are a very intimate brother or sister to you but let the full expression of this love in any sexual sense be kept for the marriage.  The woman will appreciate that your love for her is pure and is for whom she is having no sexual overtones or lust and when the time is come for its full expression she will be able to give herself to you guilt free.  The desire should be for each other not for each other’s body.

The man needs to control his sex urges so he can love with a pure love and not with lust desiring sexual gratification.  While sex may be an expression of their love in marriage, in the betrothal period this is not an option and they are to learn to love each other without this as they are preparing for eternity in heaven where sex is no longer practised and only pure love remains.  Sex is a result of this type of love and not a cause of it.  It is also not a necessary expression of their love but it is a lot of fun and if carried out properly gives each partner great pleasure.

Pure love desires just to be with the person and seeks to express itself to the spouse in any Godly way it can and does not ask anything in return having its joy in the service of someone they love.

God is Love and to have a happy betrothal period it is necessary to love your future spouse as He does.  To have a happy marriage also requires the same quality of love expressed in the relationship and is an expression of your love for God.  If you have trouble expressing God’s type of Love then you will probably need deliverance in an area of your life so you can properly express His Quality of Love to others.

There should be no difference between the love you have for each other in the betrothed period and in the marriage.  The only difference is that marriage allows more scope for the expression of this love.

If you love a person it is very hard to do anything to hurt them or to cheapen your love for them.

You will find anything that cheapens your deep pure love for them is almost impossible to do because your love is such that you want to protect them from sin and its harmful consequences as well as from anything that would cheapen your love for each other.  This cheapened love will also cause you grief in your heart.

Your love for them will be deep and all consuming.  You cannot show shallow love to them.  It is the love Jesus places in us and is shown to the spouse because He is in us as Lord.  It accepts the spouse as they are and desires to be one with them in the way they are and not as you desire them to be.  Marital sex is a result of their acceptance and the way they serve them and not a cause of it.

Remember the lie Satan promotes: “He has had sex with me so he must love me”. Love does not equal sex.  Sex is just an expression of properly loving your spouse.

The Holy Spirit must rule in all and The Spirit does not express Himself in sensuality but in deep, selfless, serving love which you cannot have unless He rules you.  Without His guidance you may approach this standard of love at times but it will not be a way of life, betrothal and marriage.

When you accept that the marriage will definitely occur you enter a different stage of the relationship where the joy of being with the person replaces the constant desire to be with them.  There is no longer a fear of losing them.  You can be separated from them but not constantly desiring them with the same intensity you did earlier.  The desire to be with them is there but it does not consume you anymore.  Your desire for them comes from deep within your spirit and is no longer from the emotions or feelings  and so is no longer controlled by these (but these will result from the expression of this love).

There is no longer a fear of losing them and a patient waiting takes over as you prepare for the marriage and living together.  In fact this is the preparation time for making a future home and preparing what you need for it.

In your spirit is joy and love that patiently waits to see the other and rejoices to be together but this desire no longer controls you so that you can get on with doing what is necessary in life and preparation for marriage without being clouded by ‘love’ and ‘desire’ for the other.

This becomes an attitude you now work in (as guided by The Holy Spirit) to prepare yourselves rationally for the marriage as well as prepare the marriage ceremony, honeymoon, marriage home and any necessary legal and financial work necessary for these marriage arrangements to be brought to fruition in the way God desires them to be carried out.

You are able to prepare the everyday details for these things without excitement and sensuality getting in the road and also avoid the trap of Satan to always concentrate on the sensual side at the expense of the practical side.  Satan tries to get you to focus on feelings and emotion rather than on Jesus and His Will for you.  Satan seeks to throw your plans into disarray through lack of preparation and through lust expressed as sex so as to bring Jesus into disrepute, even if only in the spiritual realm as he tries to get you to ignore what Jesus wants you to do so that you end up in the disorder Satan promotes in people and their environment.

The background intensity of the love and joy you feel gives you the hope and strength to go on in daily living as well as to prepare for the marriage.  The knowledge that it is God’s Will for you and thus is best for you strengthens your resolve to do all that is necessary to prepare for your marriage.  The sexual side is not important as the focus is on the preparing of the marriage so it will please Jesus.  This means  you put His desires before your own knowing that His desires are best for your relationship and will be used by Him to further His Kingdom.

You must remember intimacy is not sex but the sharing of hearts in a pure love so you become as one in heart and mind as you each are with Jesus and will become increasingly one with each other as a result.  As you draw closer to God you will draw closer to each other.

As you develop your relationship with Jesus your love will mature for Him and each other so the key to this betrothal period is to draw closer to Jesus so He is more and more Lord of your life.  He will then be more and more Lord of your betrothal, preparation for marriage and marriage and it will be as He desires it to be, being led by The Holy Spirit in the direction Jesus wants it to be.

This is a period to work out fears you have for or about each other.  Often the fear will be from a past relationship and will be transferred to the betrothal and subsequent marriage if they are not dealt with through deliverance.  These fears must be dealt with and given to Jesus or they will poison the relationship and may even destroy it.

It is also a time to obtain deliverance from past hurts and pain so that these will not be brought into the marriage and eventually destroy it.

When you have found the person God wants you to marry you will feel incomplete without them.  Marriage then becomes a desire to be with them as only then will you be complete as a person.  It is not a desire for sex but a desire to become one with them in Jesus spiritually as the physical unity flows on from that as an expression of that spiritual unity with Jesus and each other.

Do not have any preconceived ideas in regard to the man or woman God wants you to marry.  He knows the perfect match for you.  Regardless of what culture they are from or what they have done in the past they will have what will compliment you as a person and will have the complimentary giftings to help you minister as a couple in unity in Jesus.

This is providing you help each other to grow in Jesus and mature into the marriage it needs to be for Him to use.  If this maturation occurs then He will use you as He desires too and you will be blessed by Him in ways He cannot otherwise bless you in and which He believes is best for you.


Your relationship with Jesus is the foundation of any betrothal and marriage

Jesus must be more important to the betrothed people than their future spouse

The will of Jesus must be in charge of the betrothal period

They must trust God’s Love Control Purposes and Plans no matter what-ever happens

The relationship must be guided by The Holy Spirit

They must Learn how to live as a couple guided by The Holy Spirit

This is preparation for marriage and ministry through marriage

This is also preparation for the spiritual headship of Jesus in the marriage

It is the type of Love The Father has toward them and it is the type of Love The Father expects His Children to have.  The relationship must be built on this type of Love or it will not fully do what God has prepared for that relationship.

They should treat each other respectfully out of love for them Eph 5:21

The Love of Jesus toward the future spouse must be the type of Love they have for each other

You need to help each other work through hurts or other problems that would hinder the relationship with your spouse as well as with others in this betrothal period  so that the marriage starts with each partner able to relate to each other as they should.  Deliverance may be necessary for this to occur.

Marriage is a special relationship.

While all relationships should express the Love of Christ in them they do so in different ways because of the restrictions placed on that relationship by God.

Only in the marriage relationship is sex or anything that is a part of it, such things as: kissing, foreplay, fondling of the breasts etc., allowed.  In all other Godly relationships these are not allowed.

Only in the family relationship is a wife to submit domestically to anyone (her husband).  To another she is not to submit domestically.  God may place the wife under the authority of another for legal reasons but submission to another for legal purposes is not the same as submission to her husband.

The submission that over rides all is to Jesus, who is Lord of all, who is out King and Spiritual head (1 Pet 2:25).  It is He whom we serve as we pursue the various roles and relationships we have in this world and later in heaven.

Outside the authority lines of marriage all non-spiritual authority lines are a result of requirements of the laws of the land and if which correctly drafted will not interfere with the authority lines or roles in the family but which will seek to preserve the family as well as the safety of its citizens.

I do not discuss spiritual authority over another except to say this belongs only to Jesus (1 Pet 2:25).   At times you may place yourself under the mentorship (not authority) of another so that they can help you  in your spiritual life but they cannot take spiritual authority over you as that removes Jesus as you Lord or head.  They are just fellow servants obeying Jesus their master.

Jesus did not delegate spiritual authority over another but only authority over the works of Satan and his demons.  Unless Jesus specifically delegated spiritual authority over another it cannot be implied from the interpretation of passages of scriptures because the delegation must be actually spoken or written by Jesus and not be implied from what others have written or said.

Reality of Marriage

A single person or a betrothed couple cannot imagine what marriage is really like.

You live with a person 24 hours a day every day of the year and you see them at their best and worst.

You are completely exposed to them in every area of your life and can really hide nothing from them as it breaks the communication in the marriage.  Besides if you love them  you will not do anything that you have to hide from them (except surprises for birthdays or special celebrations)..

You wake, eat, sleep and work with them at home and unless you are put together by God and are one in His Spirit you will have difficulty in the marriage relationship.  This is where it is so important that you are one in spirit with The Holy Spirit and remove all the problems and hurts that will hinder the relationship with each other and the marriage.

There are two ways to get to know a person:

Theoretically: such as from documents, letters or articles written by or about the person

Personally: through having a practical relationship with them and experiencing what they are really like.

A relationship can only be as deep as one side allows it to be.  According to how you value the relationship and how deep you want it to be will be the effort you put into it.

The betrothal relationship needs to be worked at as does marriage and in the betrothal period you obtain the practice you need to continue in the marriage   working at the type of the relationship you then have with your spouse.  If you love your spouse you will work at the relationship with them to your fullest ability and it will seem little effort as your love for them will encourage you and remove the hardship that may be with it.

Standards for a relationship

Be careful what standards you apply when going into a relationship as there are  four types of standards in relationships:

Spiritual: the standards God expects you to keep

Legal: The standard the laws of the land expects you to keep

Cultural: Acceptable social standards either set up by Satan or God or a mixture

Any other standard your betrothed sets for you that are not ungoidly.

All standards of culture must conform with God’ standards and then with those of the land (when they do not contradict the Laws of God).

There is also the experiences you have had in relationships which may affect the way you approach them.  For example, prior to meeting your betrothed you could have been hurt by someone close so you can no longer trust people or have another wrong attitude toward them.  This will be transferred to other relationships you have such as to God or your betrothed.

This attitude results in your never expecting anything good from God or others, including your betrothed.

Deliverance is needed to remove these fears so you can trust others and relate to them as God desires you too.

Prior to Betrothal

The period prior to God betrothing you to someone is a time of getting to know other people, learning to relate to and serve people in preparation for the deepening of the eventual betrothal relationship.  It is in this pre-betrothal period that you learn the self-control toward the opposite sex, the skills and independence necessary for the betrothal period.  Lust or any other type of  negative emotion should not be a part of this time as you should be using the principles of God’s Kingdom as you learn to relate to others and learn about the opposite sex and their emotional and temperamental differences to you as well as their strengths and weaknesses.

It is in this period you also learn to relate as culture dictates you are too and as this varies from race or geographic area there can be no hard and fast rules for this type of relationship.

It is to be remembered that independence is not doing what you want to do but being able to do what you need too do to be able to serve Jesus and live as He desires you too.

The role of parents in earning how to relate properly is very important and how you related to your parents influences how you relate to others.  This means you may need to relearn how to relate to others if your parents abused you in any way The only standard you can rely on that crosses all cultures and regions are those of God.

Men are to treat girls as sisters 1 Tim 5:1-2

Rebuke not an elder, but entreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.

Remember you are to relate in love and not lust.  The only commandment of The Kingdom of God and from which all the others flow is Jn 13:34-35:

Jn 13:3-354 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

This means no sex or heavy petting with anyone until you are married.  If you love your betrothed as Jesus does you will not do this to them and cause them emotional problems as well as possible pregnancy with all the shame it has. If you love your betrothed as Jesus does you will help each other and serve each other in love and support each other in their weaknesses and trials.  You will enjoy them for who they are as a person:

Someone for whom Jesus died

A mind and personality

A Christian to fellowship with

A part of The Family of God you belong too

A brother or sister to Jesus (Matt 12:50) and thus also to you

A child of The Father by adoption (Rom 8:14)

God’s Temple in which He lives

The Commandment in John 13:34-35 must be obeyed as God did not give us a way to get around it.

Singles Socializing

When you socialize before betrothal you should not be looking at people evaluating them as possible marriage partners or asking God if they are the one.  Lists, that you cross each possible name out one at a time, are definitely out.  You are to focus on your relationship with God and how He wants it expressed towards others and He will prepare you and your betrothed for marriage and bring your future betrothed to you.  (Mat 6:33 applies).

While you make lists and evaluate people as a possible betrothed Satan will give you all the help he can so you will look at the wrong person, possibly miss the right one and marry someone God does not want you to marry.

You do not need to seek a spouse as God will bring them to you as part of the promises of Mat 6:33.  He has promised to supply all your need in every area of your life as long as you seek the good of His kingdom and develop the relationship you have with Him.  God will guide you to your partner:

They will be the perfect partner for you

They will have the gifts you do not have that will complement yours in ministry so you will need to learn to minister together as a couple

They will complete you as a person

They will complete each other for ministry and as a couple will minister as if they were one

In all areas the relationship will be as God desires it to be (Jesus will be their Lord and The Holy Spirit will always be their guide)

Previously married people

Where one or both of the betrothed couple have been married previously then there will be hurts and often children belonging to one or both of the betrothed persons from a previous marriage or relationship.

There are at least four dangers in this relationship:

The betrothal is not God-ordained and is a compensation (for a marriage that has ended) in the belief it will remove hurts and/or other problems one or both of the betrothed couple has.  Do not enter a relationship soon after the divorce or death of a partner or a break-up with another until you are 100% sure the marriage is of God.  The old saying “marry in haste repent at leisure” is so true and you could spend many years repenting for your hasty choice.

The children could be overlooked by one or more of the betrothed people as the couple cement their betrothal relationship.

The hurts that caused the divorce, or resulted from the cessation of the marriage through divorce or death of a spouse, may not have been dealt with through deliverance so that person will bring problems into the marriage which will cause further problems in the relationship.

The hurts of the children are overlooked so they go into the marriage scarred and have trouble coping.

Romance the mother in the betrothal period but be sure to let the children know that you love them as well and by this you will win both them and the mother.

The new future spouse must earn the respect of the children of the other betrothed person as respect is a necessary part of a person trusting themselves to love another.  If the children do not respect the introduced spouse then they will never trust or love them.

If the mother thinks the future spouse will not love or care properly for her children she will not marry him.

The betrothed couple have become stewards of each other and the children they both have and not just of their own children so as good stewards they need to look after what God has given them even though it means denying themselves in various ways.  If they cannot be good stewards of what God has entrusted them with before marriage (the children) it will be harder afterwards when there are more problems and interactions to resolve and new things to be steward of than there was prior to and during the betrothal period.

All deliverance that is possible should be done of the betrothed and their children before any marriage so that problems from the past do not need to be dealt with after marriage and cause stress or friction in the relationships in the future family.

If you cannot relate properly to any person involved in these relationships (betrothed, your children, their children) before marriage you will have little chance afterwards unless there is deliverance.

Complications such as having two houses and two sets of furniture etc should be taken to God as no fast rules can be made for these.  You are stewards of them on His behalf so you need to ask what He may want done with them.

Remember, that after marriage, the husband has domestic responsibility over all property and finance and is the one responsible to what happens to both houses and the property in them and must give account to God for what he does with them.  Remember that the wife’s property was the inheritance of her children and the wise future husband will not rob them of it if he loves his wife.  He will also ensure the wife keeps any  money she needs to for her own security util she can fully trust her husband’s control of her finances.

Sometimes the house has so many bad memories so that you will need to sell it and move into a new one with your betrothed unless they need to keep the house for some reason.

Where possible you should not ask a new spouse to live in a house Satan used to try and destroy your previous spouse.  It is not fair to the new spouse to have to clean up the mess of a previous marriage.

Usually the house is run down needing lots of renovation or cleaning.  It is not fair to ask a new spouse to either do it or pay for this.

A new marriage is a chance to start afresh and put into the marriage the things God desires to be  in it as well as the order He wants to be in it so from the start of the relationship God’s principles should be in all that happens during the betrothal period and afterwards in the marriage.

Previously married people may come from a bad marriage where all was disorder.  So you will need to plan the new marriage so that it starts in order and continues in an ordered house and environment.

Whatever happens ensure it is in accordance with The Will of God as revealed to you by The Holy Spirit.

As in all things you need to walk with one ear constantly open to The Holy Spirit so the relationships (between each member of the family) will progress as Jesus desires them to be developed and matured.

Do not seek a wife

If you seek a wife Satan may end up guiding you to the one he wants you to marry.  If you marry Satan’s choice for you:

There will be strife all the marriage

Love in the marriage will grow cold and legalism and/or perfectionism will take over

Jesus will not be central to the marriage

There will not be unity in the marriage

Jesus will not be able to use it as He would like too

You may grow lukewarm to the things God wants you to do and may even lose your salvation through continued disobedience or continued unforgiveness to a person (Rev 3:5

The relationship with your spouse is the second most important relationship you have.  The most important relationship is with Jesus.

Until your relationship with Jesus is in place and He is Lord of all your life He alone is your strength and help and all your hopes, purposes and dreams for future happiness are found in Him alone you cannot fully live Matt 6:33.

He will not give you a spouse as they will get between you and He!

When the spouse will not be a distraction from Jesus of any type then he can trust you with one.

Until then it is no use looking for a one as Satan will gladly provide his spouse for you. This is why it is so important to let God bring the person to you and not follow the ways of the world which Satan promotes in his media.

Until Jesus is your lord so that nothing, including a relationship with a spouse, will affect the relationship with Him, He will not usually give you a spouse.

Why should Jesus give you someone who could come between you and He and who may ultimately cause you to lose your salvation.

God’s basic unit is marriage

God’s provision for children is found in the stable marriage relationship:

It is the basic unit of worship

It was created by God for the benefit of each spouse

It was created by God so that the ministry of the parents to the children  would be a reflection of how God ministers to us.

It was created to be the spiritual training ground for children where they would also learn the life skills needed to live as The Father desires them to live later in life.

Children need a mother and father to find their true identity as a person.  Where there is only one parent or both are of the same sex this usually does not occur.  You must give the needs you cannot fulfill in a child to Jesus and trust Him to deal with them.

Sex before Marriage

Sex before marriage is dangerous.

Firstly either or both may catch a sexually transmitted disease or AIDS

Secondly the woman may get pregnant and be left alone with the baby as the man runs away

The woman may even end up getting both things

There is also the emotional damage caused by the man running away when he finds the woman is pregnant.

There is also the fact they may have to get married and work so that their education is stopped and they have to work at menial occupations just to live.

There is also the stigma attached to being an unmarried mother.

Sex before marriage is one way Satan can destroy the effectiveness and life of a person, specially a Christian.

Sleeping Around

Why do people have multiple sex partners before marriage? What does a woman gain from it that she will risk getting pregnant, or getting a venereal disease and/or aids?

No one plays Russian roulette with their bodies unless they are damaged emotionally in a major or way.

The usual cause is sexual abuse so that the person has no self esteem and ends up treating sex as a sign of love or acceptance or even a possible way of finding their ‘Prince Charming’.

They can end up thinking that all man really want is sex and that it is a way to get love and to show love.  This is how Satan promotes love in the media and most people who do this are influenced by this in some way so accept it as a correct way to relate.

They often do not enjoy sleeping around but it is a learned behaviour and acceptable to them.  It may be a result of the lie that sex = love or a coping mechanism for abuse they have received or a belief they are good for nothing better than that.  They may even know it is destroying them in a way but feel trapped.  They need deliverance and the proper love Jesus gives to show them what love and acceptance really is.

The love of a good person helps in freeing them from this addiction and compensation for lack of love (which is what sleeping around is).  One who loves them as Jesus does and who marries them for who they are in as a person and not for how good they look or how good they are at sex!

Battered wives usually stay with their abuse as they have such low self-esteem they believe no one else can love them and any love is better than none so they SAT in the abusive situation.  This is a lie of Satan that stops them being freed from their abusive situation.

Mistresses and prostitutes

If you love your betrothed you will not hide the relationship and will commit yourself to marriage.

No woman likes to be hidden in a relationship, especially if it is sexual.  Any woman who accepts these mistress like conditions needs deliverance to remove the hurts that make her accept it.

At times they may even feel like a prostitute, especially so in marriage where lust is the main drive for sex.  Also in the betrothal period a woman will feel the same as a prostitute if she is lusted after and not loved for who she is.

Steward of your betrothed

When a man takes his betrothed out he should remember that he is a steward of her and must look after her properly to ensure her needs are met before his own.  It is called being a gentleman.

This attitude carries on into the marriage so you need to ensure you develop this stewardship in the betrothal period so it becomes second nature in your lifestyle now and later in the marriage.

Remember, the man only has to meet Godly needs and counsel the wife about ungodly ones, helping her to deal with them and doing anything necessary for her to overcome them.

The Man is responsible for all her needs to the degree she will let him meet them but his lack of acceptance by her does not mean he can stop trying to meet them until God says to stop trying.  But then, if she does not accept him unconditionally perhaps they should not marry unless they know definitely God desires them to marry.

Stewardship is not control.  It is proper treatment and preservation of what you are steward of, serving the needs of others by protecting them and meeting their needs.  There must be a form of control so he can do what is necessary.  But it is not the control ownership has but control a steward has to do the purposes of the owner, Jesus.

Women need to remember that their future husband is doing his best to be a good steward of them and love them as Jesus does.  Women need to cooperate and practice submitting domestically to their future spouse.  Going out is a domestic arrangement and it is good practice for them to practice headship and submission for the future marriage.  What woman does not want to be waited on and served by her future spouse!

Unless a woman submits domestically to her husband and respect the authority Jesus has given him domestically a man cannot love the woman as Jesus desires him to love her.  Headship is not spiritual as Jesus is the spiritual head.  Besides if both are led by The Spirit headship is not a problem as both will do what God desires them to do so in a sense headship is not an issue.

The future husband should behave as a gentleman so that the woman feels appreciated and loved.  This will help her submit.  Besides, if he truly loves her he will serve her needs and she will submit so that he can serve her.

Submission just does not happen.  It needs to be learned and the betrothal period is a good time for the future wife to learn this and practice it, especially in a day where Satan cries out in the media that all are equal domestically and a woman can do anything a man can do and by this attitude Satan tries to hide the fact that male and female have different God-given roles in a marriage.  This does not mean they do not help each other but that when they do the person with the role is in charge of the situation.

This means that the husband will submit to the wife in any area he has given authority over or is helping her in any God-given role she has.  This submission is actually being a good steward of her through serving her.  The steward is always the servant of those he is steward of and this serving her shows this to her .

The betrothal and subsequent engagement period allows the future husband to learn how to love and serve his future wife so that she will be able to respond to him and desire to submit to his love for her so that he is able to exercise his stewardship of her correctly.

The man will not be judged on how his wife dealt with headship but with what he did with it.  There is no loophole in regard to obedience to Jesus .  It is all or nothing. You are either obeying or you are not.  There is no half-obedience or ‘way out’ of the requirement to obey Jesus in headship and submission.

Appreciation of your betrothed spouse

One of the keys to marriage is the proper appreciation of your betrothed:

Appreciation of who they are in Jesus

Appreciation of who they are as a person

Appreciation of what they do for you

Never take for granted anything they do for you.  When you stop appreciating them they stop being someone special in your eyes.  When this happens they may doubt your love for them as well as their worth to you.

When you appreciate them for who they are and what they do for you, you will show your love for them as well as their worth to you.  Appreciate your future partner and they will respond to this. Do not show appreciation and they will gradually withdraw.  Love appreciates people for who they are and not necessarily for what they do so appreciation will need to be made regardless of mistakes made by your betrothed.

When your betrothed sees they do not have to be perfect and can make mistakes without being rejected then they will be free to be them self and express them self to you and become the person Jesus wants them to be!


When you speak words of love to your betrothed they must be words of truth that can be performed either in the betrothal period or in the marriage.  If you promise her the earth make certain you can give her the earth.

It it is not what you say at times that is important but how you say it.

It is no use speaking words of love in a way that shows you are not sincere or you do not really mean what you say.

When you talk to your spouse, mean what you say and she will be secure in the relationship with you knowing That there is no hidden agenda toward her that you are hiding through lies or hypocritical speech.

There is nothing worse than false words of love.  Your future spouse will be devastated and all trust between you and them will be shaken to such a degree you may even find God removes them from you and gives them to someone more worthy.

If God has joined you together then your love will be true and pure so that false words will never deliberately occur between you and your spouse.  Whatever you say will build up your future spouse, develop the relationship with them and prepare for the matrimonial relationship.

Remember often it is not what you say but how you say it that they hear and evaluate your attitude towards th em.

Expression of love

When a man and a woman love each other deeply they do not need to speak words of love to each other.  Their love can be seen in the way they touch, look at each other, show consideration for each other or serve each other.  As they put the needs of their spouse before their own needs they show their love for their spouse.

Their love is apparent in the way they relate to each other and speak to each other without it actually having to be stated as being there.


One of the problem in the western world is that many people are not taught manners, (which is how to behave as gentleman or gentlewoman).  Through the control of the media Satan has managed to remove manners, appreciation and consideration of others so that generations have grown up not showing respect or consideration to others because self-interest and pleasure are now the driving force in many societies.  As the principles of how God wants us to relate are abandoned so has been the consideration and respect we are to show others.

To be a gentle woman or gentleman requires thinking of others and showing them respect as well as being self-disciplined to control yourself to be able to do this.  Satan does not want these things in people so has removed these attitudes as much as he can, from society and the media he controls.

If you love your betrothed you will learn how to behave toward them as a gentle person would.

You are a citizen of The Kingdom of God and should show His manners and behaviour to all others, let alone the person you are going to marry.

If you have God’s quality of Love as the basis of you character you will learn to be the gentlewoman or gentleman God requires you to be as a representative of His.  If you love your betrothed you will learn how to show them manners and treat them as a loved person.

Betrothal and Marriage require effort

The Betrothal and the marriage are hard work at times as you have to change habits and attitudes to love another as Jesus loves them as well as to do what is necessary for the betrothal or marriage to be as God desires it to be.  Satan will try to destroy the marriage by makig you doubt the other person’s love for you and appreciation of whom you are which is why you need to stop any disagreements the moment they start and ask God what He desires you to do in the situation.

It just does not happen by itself!

Your love for your spouse and the desire to serve them and give them joy and happiness is the encouragement driving you to make the effort to change.  When that desire declines the marriage declines and may eventually die.

If you believe God has put you together as a betrothed couple then not to work at the relationship is disobedience to Jesus and later will result in the breaking of the marriage vows to love each other.  It is also bad stewardship of the love and the relationship He has given you with your future spouse.

God cannot and will not bless a marriage that is in rebellion against him.  He will bless any faithful individuals in the marriage but the marriage cannot be used or blessed by Him as He desires to use it and bless it.

After the marriage occurs it is easy to get complacent in the relationship so that you no longer show your love for your spouse either in word or deed and sex becomes a formality.  The initial excitement being lost, the woman often feels when having sex, used, or like prostitute and she starts to die as a person and becomes resentful to her husband as he does not love her as he should.

To stop this complacency also requires effort so that your attitude of love to and desire to be with your spouse stays with you all the marriage.  The easiest way to stop this decline in feelings for your spouse is to thank God each day for them and for who they are (His gift to you) and to never stop appreciating them and telling them of your love for them for who they are and to also express this love in thought, word and deed (loving service).

It always helps to speak positively (Phil. 4:8) of your betrothed and of what they do, showing appreciation of and gratitude for their loving service of you.  There will opportunities to show your love and support as well as your desire to help them be the person they have the potential to be so use these wisely.  Judgment, perfectionistic standards and negative criticism quickly kill a marriage.

Serving your betrothed

In heaven people willingly serve others.  There is no thought for themselves or protecting hurts or emotions as these are no longer a problem in heaven

If you have problems loving others or serving them then you need to deal with the hurts that causes this in you.  Deliverance may be necessary

When you naturally have an attitude of loving service to others so that you do not consider your own needs but consider the needs of others then you have the attitude you need to prepare for life in heaven

This is the natural altitude you should have to your betrothed as well as to others.  It is learned and will be a battle because Satan will try and stop you having it.

Betrothal is the time to prepare for Matrimony (a Recap)

Prepare for all aspects of marriage but without the sex

Develop the attitudes as husband and wife should have to each other

Learn to walk in unity of purpose guided by The Holy Spirit

Develop a  servant attitude to each other as God has to them

The engagement period is a chance to put into practice attitudes needed to succeed in the marriage

Develop same love for each that Jesus has for them

It is a time to practice domestic headship and submission in a correct way and to iron out any problems that may occur in this area.

There is no marriage during the betrothal period so headship is not relevant theoretically but:

It is a chance to practice God-given roles in the marriage and to find out what problems each have with it.

It is a chance to develop the skill of being a gentleman and serving His future wife’s needs

It is a chance to practice and to trust Jesus for the domestic roles they are to have in marriage and prepare themselves for them. (Headship is domestic not spiritual)

They are spiritually equal before and after the marriage and only in domestic arrangement does headship apply so this spiritual equality needs to be developed (Gal 3:28) especially in ministry

They need to learn submission (resulting from their love to each other) to the needs of each other  they will have in the marriage.

Remember.  We serve Jesus and as directed by him to others so when serving our spouse it will be what Jesus tells us to do for them or has shown in His Bible or in the past we need to do for them.  Even so it is good to check with The Holy Spirit at times as having done something one way does not mean we are to do it the same way next time.

A person cannot give you loving service if you do not submit to them so this inability to accept service is also something that may need to be dealt with in the betrothal period.

Domestic submission is for order in the marriage

God will require husband to give account of his headship

God will require wife to give an account of her submission

The betrothal period is a chance to practice how you will relate to each other in preparation for marriage

Without authority lines the marriage will descend into anarchy or chaos so headship is very important in a marriage because of the order it keeps.

With headship in place there will be order in the marriage and you will not have two people fighting over the same ground wanting to do different things.

You will not ask for anyone you love to sin


Heavy Petting

Anything against God’s laws

All you do will be out of pure love for them

A time of getting to know each other spiritually

Physical appearance not important

Looks deceive and will fade away

Sex corrupts the relationship (does he want me or my body?)

God has chosen future spouse so it does not matter what they look like or a physically not able to do

Love looks at the heart and spirit of a person and desires them for who they are and not because of their body or abilities (as the world does and as Satan promotes).  Marriage is a spiritual thing so that the physical should not be overimportant in the relationship.

A time of joining to each other through finding out

What you have in common

What you need to adjust for that you do not have in common

What you need to remove from your life for a successful marriage

Whether any deliverance is needed to remove problems in the relationship

You need to led by The Holy Spirit when interacting and resolving problems

Where forgiveness is needed learn to forgive or apologise and ask for forgiveness

Where you have offended another learn to go to them for forgiveness

Where there are differences of opinion you need to learn as a couple to consult The Holy Spirit and do the Will of Jesus that He reveals to you.

Where there is any lack of trust in the spouse you need to find out why and deal with it through deliverance.

Never argue, react, reason or assume things as Satan uses these for his purposes but ask The Holy Spirit what to do in a situation.

Encourage each others masculinity or femininity

The future husband must encourage the femininity and development of the roles the his future wife will have

The Future wife must encourage the masculinity and the development of the roles her future husband will have

Demands should not be made on the other that are not in the job description God has made for Christians in regard to their sexuality or roles as a betrothed and later married couple.

Pray for your betrothed

You need to pray for each other

Ask their permission to pray for them and give them permission to pray for you.

Pray for each other's spiritual growth and maturity

Do any deliverance you need for each other

Pray for marriage preparations and honeymoon

Legal conventions should be observed where possible

As God has chosen the couple the parent's permission to marry is not necessary unless the laws of the land require it (underage or under a legal disability but then God will not ask what cannot be done).

God is a higher authority than parents

Parents, if Christians, should accept the partner of their child if God has chosen this partner for their child

Remember!  Because Satan controls the world media he has been able to promote his way of finding a wife and subsequent behaviour during the betrothal period and by this hides God’s values and ways in these matters.  Through his control of the media Satan has effectively negated the knowledge of God’s plans in these matters so that even many churches do not know how God wants the betrothal period to be lived as Jesus wants it lived.

Praying together

Praying together should also be a common practice as should sharing the blessings of the day and the reading the bible after the evening meal.  There should also be times of encouraging each other as well as discussing with each other how to help them with any problems they have.

Betrothed Couples and spiritual warfare

Betrothed couples need to give each other authority to conduct spiritual warfare for them.  This is so they can command deliverance on their betrothed when they do not know they need it or are not present.

Decision making in the betrothal period

Jesus must be Lord of anything done in the relationship

If Jesus is your Lord all you decide will be in accordance with His Will.  So:

Where the Bible is obvious about the choices you must make you should do what it says.

Where it is not clear, you should ask The Holy Spirit what you are to do as He will tell you what God desires you to know and/or do

If God says nothing them put it aside and ask later as He does not want you to know unless sin or a demon is blockading you hearing The Holy Spirit.

If a demon is blocking you should cast it to the throne of Judgment in Jesus’ Name and ask The Holy Spirit to take its place.

Where sin is involved repentance is needed

God may not tell you the answer so that Satan will not know it and try to hinder it or so you cannot try to alter it in any way

Seeking God’s Will stops you making decision for selfish purposes as you only make them for the sake of The Kingdom when you make them in accordance with God’s Will.

Unity in the spirit

If there is unity in the spirit you will know in your mind what the other person is thinking at times as you are both walking in unity in The Spirit and as a result along a similar path so He will tell you similar things at the same time.  It is not the reading of the mind of another but of the both hearing at the same or similar time what The Holy Spirit desires you both to do for Jesus.

Each of you have your own path to walk in but both also have a path as a married or betrothed couple and this path is common to both.  When your objective is to solely do the will of God all three paths closely align with each other and all three paths may even merge as one.

You will say some things and it will be what your spouse is thinking at the time or wanted to say.  If you disagree then The Spirit is to be consulted so He can explain what He needs to so that unity is obtained again.


I reinforce that all major decisions, especially involving finances should be made together.  However small amounts can be spent without consulting the other spouse.  You need to ask The Holy Spirit what this small amount is as well as what He wants any of these small amounts spent on.  This will facilitate purchase of groceries, petrol etc., when the need arises and not later after consultation with each other.

If you are both united in The Spirit you will already know what the Will of God is so it will be like rubber stamping any decision or request the other spouse makes.

The Holy Spirit is always there to guide you and explain what you need to know.

The husband will have the final say in anything domestic but if he is listening to The Spirit the result will be beneficial to all and you both will end up in agreement about it so that it not really an exercising of headship but of obeying Jesus.

Problem Resolution

A dispute settlement system is needed for when there are problems or disagreements.  If you walk in the unity of The Holy Spirit these should never arise.  It is suggested the following be observed:

Do not assume anything (so Satan can not guide your thinking)

Do not react (so Satan cant use the habits of the past to guide you)

Remember, disagreement is not rejection so do not reject a person because you disagree with them

Ask The Holy Spirit for Guidance as well as how to show God’s Love in the situation.

Dispute Reconciliation

The marriage that stays together is one that resolves problems in a Godly way and these mechanisms should be set up before matrimony so they are in place for the state of matrimony (living together as husband and wife).

To expose yourself to someone you must trust their love for you, that they accept you as you are, warts and all and not as you think you should be. This means they can help you with the warts and will understand better any problems you have that may have help cause the situation you are reconciling over.

Wrong altitudes to your future spouse turns them inward and stops communication outward and will build up walls if not dealt with.  The focus turns from Jesus to them self and their inadequateness so they feel unacceptable to them self and the spouse they must face.

One or both spouses may need to deal with self rejection, self hatred, low self-esteem, value or worth, false guilt, shame or condemnation or fear of the other persons love. Deliverance may the needed before reconciliation can start as is the realisation they were forgiven at Calvary and all they need to do is repent, and realise that all shame guilt and condemnation were dealt with at Calvary and that all you feel of these is a result of Satan placing these on you and are not from God.


God is a forgiving God, so should betrothed people be with each other.

Love forgives.  Love may hate what the person does but forgives the person and helps them to overcome any problems they have as they appreciate who the person is in Jesus.

Love as God Loves and you will have a marriage people will envy and God can bless and use for His Glory and Purposes.

Note that unforgiveness not repented of will destroy the marriage and lead to loss of your salvation

Exposure in betrothal 010209

A woman needs the security of being loved for whom she is and if a man starts wanting to look at her body and not who she is as a person she loses a sense of security and wonders whether he likes her for whom she is or her body.

She will expose herself to her husband in the marriage act after the wedding and treasure the complete giving of herself to him.  Exposing her before this sours this precious time and she will not feel as special as she should as she has lost some of her specialness through previous exposure of her body.

Anything that mars this special time on the wedding eve will mar the specialness of the event in her heart.

Keep your betrothed’s body till the act of marriage and focus on the relationship and who she is as a person and you will reap dividends your whole married life.

Exposing yourself to your betrothed or spouse

A woman’s body, displayed wholly or partly naked, should only be seen by her husband, doctor or nurse  The husband: when they have sex, she is changing her clothes or bathing or they are conducting heavy petting or similar, and the doctor for medical purposes and then even they are to expose only what they need to see.  This stops a woman being the subject of lust, lewdness or pornographic displays, all of which demean and/or debase women.

Likewise, a man should also only be seen naked for the same reasons a woman can be seen naked.

If a person loves their betrothed the physical is not important.  It is the mere fact that you want to see your spouse’s body and not who they are that causes the problems, especially with women exposing any part of themselves except in time of intimacy such as sex and heavy petty where it is appropriate to be so exposed in part of whole.

Note, being naked physically with your spouse is not God’s definition of intimacy.  It is Satan’s.

Expansion of the above

A woman who loves Jesus does not want a man to focus on her body but on whom she is as a person and does not want to expose herself to him until they are married.  This results in the spiritual being built up and not the physical.  It also means the commitment of marriage is there so that she can freely expose herself to her husband in the marriage act and afterward as she desires for the sake of giving each other pleasure.

A woman who follows the worldly ways of Satan is told to reveal her beauty and use it to attract men so she shows off her body and is willing to expose it and offer it for her boyfriend to use sexually.  She has been taught sex = love and desirability as a person and it is not necessary to be married to have sex so she has it when she wants it or when he asks her for it so she can ‘keep’ her future spouse or boyfriend as well as express her ‘love’ for him through sex and heavy petting.  The spiritual is neglected and the physical pleasure is the focus of the relationship.  This type of relationship lasts as long as the woman’s beauty or until they tire of the physical relationship unless they both become Christians.

Inside people is a need to be appreciated for who they are and not what they look like although this is important to women.  Men who desire women for their looks leave a part of the woman unfulfilled and this will affect the relationship.

A man should love his wife for who she is as a person and not what she looks like but he should appreciate what she looks like and love her how she is.  When she exposes her body to him in marriage he should appreciate it and tell her so but also reinforce that sex is the result of the love have they for each other and not a cause of it.

Always look at the eyes of your future spouse and let them see the love in it for you.  In their eyes will be a reflection of how much you love them.

A woman appreciates tenderness toward her, especially in sex.  Tenderness is an expression of God’s type of Love while lust and/or a lack of tenderness is an expression of the sensuality Satan tries to promote in a relationship.

The intimate act of love was designed by God to seal marriage as well as perform the commitment of the husband and wife to become ‘one flesh’ and this is both spiritual as well as physical. (The physical is always the result of a spiritual decision or act of some kind, even if only of obedience to God).  When Adam and Eve fell into sin as a result of their choice to defy God they saw their nakedness and were ashamed.  Not because they were naked but because they had sinned.

When a woman is asked to reveal her body to another for sexual or other reasons it implies there is a depth of relationship only seen in marriage and that it is their spouse asking to see their nakedness for the purposes of cementing the marriage further. This also has spiritual implications. This exposure before marriage is against the act of marriage (sex) and the unity this act results in and therefore invites demonic spiritual interference and counterfeit of the marriage act (premarital sex).

A woman needs the assurance and safety of the covenant of marriage to have the correct sense of relationship and commitment so that she feels protected and secure within the sexual boundaries set by God.  Otherwise there is a sense of being used or defiled at a spiritual level because they are not in a correct relationship with the person spiritually so that sex in the physical feels wrong and the woman feels used or like a prostitute.

Many women, Christian or otherwise, cannot explain why they feel ‘used and abused’ when they are asked or enticed to expose themselves outside the safe place of the marriage covenant.  Even in the marriage if the husband does not have the right spiritual intent or reason to be intimate with his spouse she will also feel this sense of defilement.

This is why it is so important to be spiritually and emotionally right with your spouse before you have sex  because the spiritual must be in place or the physical will not be satisfactory and fulfilling and the spouse will feel used.

Sex begins when you wake up in the morning and the preparation continues through the love and appreciation you show of your spouse throughout the day.  You do not just jump into bed and have sex unless you have no emotions in which case you need deliverance.

Any man who truly loves his wife for who she is will not ask her to expose her nakedness to him or have sex with her before marriage.  If either desire to show the other their nakedness or have sex before marriage then they need deliverance so that the relationship can be as God intended it to be.

Another aspect of exposing yourself before marriage

There are two aspects to marriage: the spiritual (God controls) and the physical (controlled by God’s laws of how the marriage is to be expressed).  Ideally the physical is an expression of the spiritual.  The expression of the marriage (nakedness and exposure of yourself to your spouse) can only occur in marriage.

The betrothal period is a period of spiritual interaction where the spiritual side of the marriage is developed to later be expressed in the physical.  To express the physical before the marriage proper is to sin as it is not in the order God made things to be.  Only as you are in a position to express the physical (married or conducting the ‘act of marriage) can you correctly express the physical in a relationship.  To do so otherwise is sin.

In Conclusion

You will only get out of your betrothal and marriage what you put into it:

Love your betrothed (future spouse) as Jesus Loves them and show them respect and courtesy and appreciation of who they are

Do not lead them into sexual sin or similar and load them with guilt

Prepare each other for marriage through serving and helping each other with problems and weaknesses as well as removing all fear in the relationship (deliverance may be necessary).

Concentrate on preparing, as a couple, the things needed for wedding ceremony, honeymoon and living together as a married couple

Learn to serve each other in the daily things of life

Learn to express love to your partner without the need for petting and/or sex

Be led by The Holy Spirit in all you do individually and as a married couple.

In all things keep Jesus central and the focus of each of you and the betrothal and marriage will be as He desires it to be and He will be able to bless it in the way he desires to bless it with children and service to The Kingdom of God.