The relationship

Your relationship with Jesus is the foundation of any betrothal and marriage

Jesus must be more important to the betrothed people than their future spouse

The will of Jesus must be in charge of the betrothal period

They must trust God’s Love Control Purposes and Plans no matter what-ever happens

The relationship must be guided by The Holy Spirit

They must Learn how to live as a couple guided by The Holy Spirit

This is preparation for marriage and ministry through marriage

This is also preparation for the spiritual headship of Jesus in the marraige

They should treat each other respectfully out of love for them Eph 5:21

The Love of Jesus toward the future spouse must be the type of Love they have for each other

You need to help each other work through hurts or other problems that would hinder relationship with your spouse as well as with others in this betrothal period  so that the marriage starts with each partner able to relate to each other as they should.  Deliverance may be necessary for this to occur.

Marriage is a special relationship.

While all relationships should express the Love of Christ in them they do so in different ways because of the restrictions placed on that relationship by God.

Only in the marriage relationship is sex or anything that is a part of it, such things as: kissing, foreplay, fondling of the breasts etc., allowed.  In all other Godly relationships these are not allowed.

Only in the family relationship is a wife to submit domestically to anyone (her husband).  To another she is not to submit domestically.  God may place the wife under the authority of another for legal reasons but submission to another for legal purposes is not the same as submission to her husband.

The submission that over rides all is to Jesus, who is Lord of all, who is out King and Spiritual head (1 Pet 2:@5).  It is He whom we serve as we pursue the various roles and relationships we have in this world and later in heaven.

Outside the authority lines of marriage all non-spiritual authority lines are a result of requirements of the laws of the land and if which correctly drafted will not interfere with the authority lines or roles in the family but which will seek to preserve the family as well as the safety of its citizens.

I do not discuss spiritual authority over another except to say this belongs only to Jesus (1 Pet 2:25).   At times you may place yourself under the mentorship (not authority) of another so that they can help you  in your spiritual life but they cannot take spiritual authority over you as that removes Jesus as your.  They are just fellow servants obeying Jesus their master.

Jesus did not delegate spiritual authority over another but only authority over the works of Satan and his demons.  Unless Jesus specifically delegated spiritual authority over another it cannot be implied from the interpretation of passages of scriptures because the delegation must be actually spoken or written by Jesus and not be implied from what others have written or said.

Reality of Marriage

A single person or a betrothed couple cannot imagine what marriage is really like.

You live with a person 24 hours a day every day of the year and you see them at their best and worst.

You are completely exposed to them in every area of your life and can really hide nothing from them as it breaks the communication in the marriage.  Besides if you love them  you will not do anything that you have to hide from them (except surprises for birthdays or special celebrations)..

You wake, eat, sleep and work with them at home and unless you are put together by God and are one in His Spirit you will have difficulty in the marriage relationship.  This is where it is so important that you are one in spirit with The Holy Spirit and remove all the problems and hurts that will hinder the relationship with each other and the marriage.

There are two ways to get to know a person:

Theoretically: such as from documents, letters or articles written by or about the person

Personally: through having a practical relationship with them and experiencing what they are really like.

A relationship can only be as deep as one side allows it to be.  According to how you value the relationship and how deep you want it to be will be the effort you put into it.

The betrothal relationship needs to be worked at as does marriage and in the betrothal period you obtain the practice you need to continue in the marriage period at working at the relationship you then have with your spouse.  If you love your spouse you will work at the relationship with them to your fullest ability and it will seem little effort as your love for them will encourage you and remove the hardship that may be with it.

Standards for a relationship

Be careful what standards you apply when going into a relationship as there are  four types of standards in relationships:

Spiritual: the standards God expects you to keep

Legal: The standard the laws of the land expects you to keep

Cultural: Acceptable social standards either set up by Satan or God or a mixture

Any other standard your betrothed sets for you that are not ungoidly.

All standards of culture must conform with God’ standards and then with those of the land (when they do not contradict the Laws of God).

There is also the experiences you have had in relationships which may affect the way you approach them.  For example, prior to meeting your betrothed you could have been hurt by someone close so you can no longer trust people or have another wrong attitude towards them.  This will be transferred to other relationships you have such as to God or your betrothed.

This attitude results in your never expecting anything good from God or others, including your betrothed.

Deliverance is needed to remove these fears so you can trust others and relate to them as God wants you too.

Prior to Betrothal

The period prior to God betrothing you to someone is a time of getting to know other people, learning to relate to and serve people in preparation for the deepening of the eventual betrothal relationship.  It is in this pre-betrothal period that you learn the self-control towards the opposite sex, the skills and independence necessary for the betrothal period.  Lust or any other type of  negative emotion should not be a part of this time as you should be using the principles of God’s Kingdom as you learn to relate to others and learn about the opposite sex and their emotional and temperamental differences to you as well as their strengths and weaknesses.

It is in this period you also learn to relate as culture dictates you are too and as this varies from race or geographic area there can be no hard and fast rules for this type of relationship.

The role of parents in earning how to relate properly is very important and how you related to your parents influences how you relate to others.  This means you may need to relearn how to relate to others if your parents abused you in any way The only standard you can rely on that crosses all cultures and regions are those of God.

Men are to treat girls as sisters 1 Tim 5:1-2

Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.

Remember you are to relate in love and not lust.  The only commandment of The Kingdom of God and from which all the others flow is Jn 13:34-35:

Jn 13:3-354 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

This means no sex or heavy petting with anyone until you are married.  If you love your betrothed as Jesus does you will not do this to them and cause them emotional problems as well as possible pregnancy with all the shame it has. If you love your betrothed as Jesus does you will help each other and serve each other in love and support each other in their weaknesses and trials.  You will enjoy them for who they are as a person:

Someone for whom Jesus died

A mind and personality

A Christian to fellowship with

A part of The Family of God you belong too

A brother or sister to Jesus Matt 12:50 and thus also to you

A child of The Father by adoption Rom 8:14

God’s Temple in which He lives

Singles Socializing

When you socialize before betrothal you should not be looking at people evaluating them as possible marriage partners or asking God if they are the one.  Lists, that you cross each possible name out one at a time, are definitely out.  You are to focus on your relationship with God and how He wants it expressed towards others and He will prepare you and your betrothed for marriage and bring your future betrothed to you.  (Mat 6:33 applies).

While you make lists and evaluate people as a possible betrothed Satan will give you all the help he can so you will look at the wrong person, possibly miss the right one and marry someone God does not want you to marry.

You do not need to seek a spouse as God will bring them to you as part of the promises of Mat 6:33.  He has promised to supply all your need in every area of your life as long as you seek the good of His kingdom and develop the relationship you have with Him.  God will guide you to your partner:

They will be the perfect partner for you

They will have the gifts you do not have that will complement yours in ministry so you will need to learn to minister together as a couple

They will complete you as a person

They will complete each other for ministry (gifts, temperament)

In all areas the relationship will be as God desires it to be (Jesus will be their Lord and The Holy Spirit will always be their guide)

Previously married people

Where one or both of the betrothed couple have been married previously then there will be hurts and often children belonging to one or both of the betrothed persons from a previous marriage or relationship.

There are at least four dangers in this relationship:

The betrothal is not God-ordained and is a compensation (for a marriage that has ended) in the belief it will remove hurts and/or other problems one or both of the betrothed couple has.  Do not enter a relationship soon after the divorce or death of a partner or a break-up with another until you are 100% sure the marriage is of God.  The old saying “marry in haste repent at leisure” is so true and you could spend many years repenting for your hasty choice.

The children could be overlooked by one or more of the betrothed people as the couple cement their betrothal relationship.

The hurts that caused the divorce, or resulted from the cessation of the marriage through divorce or death of a spouse, may not have been dealt with through deliverance so that person will bring problems into the marriage which will cause further problems.

The hurts of the children are overlooked so they go into the marriage scarred and have trouble coping.

Romance the mother in the betrothal period but be sure to let the children know that you love them as well and by this you will win both them and the mother.

The new future spouse must earn the respect of the children of the other betrothed person as respect is a necessary part of a person trusting themselves to

love another.  If the children do not respect the introduced spouse then they will never trust or love them.

If the mother thinks the future spouse will not love or care properly for her children she will not marry him.

The betrothed couple have become stewards of each other and the children they both have and not just of their own children so as good stewards they need to look after what God has given them even though it means denying themselves in various ways.  If they cannot be good stewards of what God has entrusted them with before marriage (the children) it will be harder afterwards when there are more problems and interactions to resolve and new things to be steward of than there was prior to and during the betrothal period.

All deliverance that is possible should be done of the betrothed and their children before any marriage so that problems from the past do not need to be dealt with after marriage and cause stress or friction in the relationships in the future family.

If you cannot relate properly to any person involved in these relationships (betrothed, your children, their children) before marriage you will have little chance afterwards unless there is deliverance.

Complications such as having two houses and two sets of furniture etc should be taken to God as no fast rules can be made for these.  You are stewards of them on His behalf so you need to ask what He may want done with them.

Remember, that after marriage, the husband has domestic responsibility over all property and finance and is the one responsible to what happens to both houses and the property in them and must give account to God for what he does with them.  Remember that the wife’s property was the inheritance of her children and the wise future husband will not rob them of it if he loves his wife.  He will also ensure the wife keeps any  money she needs to for her own security util she can fully trust her husband’s control of her finances.

Sometimes the house has so many bad memories so that you will need to sell it and move into a new one with your betrothed unless they need to keep the house or some reason.

Where possible you should not ask a new spouse to live in a house Satan used to try and destroy your previous spouse.  It is not fair to the new spouse to have to clean up the mess of a previous marriage.

Usually the house is run down needing lots of renovation or cleaning.  It is not fair to ask a new spouse to either do it or pay for this.

A new marriage is a chance to start afresh and put into the marriage the things God desires to be  in it as well as the order He wants to be in it so from the start of the relationship God’s principles should be in all that happens during the betrothal period and afterwards in the marriage.

Previously married people may come from a bad marriage where all was disorder.  SO you will need to plan the new marriage so that it starts in order and continues in an ordered house and environment.

Whatever happens ensure it is in accordance with The Will of God as revealed to you by The Holy Spirit.

As in all things you need to walk with one ear constantly open to The Holy Spirit so the relationships (between each member of the family) will progress as Jesus desires them to be developed and matured.

Do not seek a wife

If you seek a wife Satan may end up guiding you to the one he wants you to marry.  If you marry Satan’s choice for you:

There will be strife all the marriage

Love in the marriage will grow cold and legalism will take over

Jesus will not be central to the marriage

There will not be unity in the marriage

Jesus will not be able to use it as He would like too

You may grow lukewarm to the things God wants you to do and may even lose your salvation through continued disobedience in an area (Rev

The relationship with your spouse is the second most important relationship you have.  The most important relationship is with Jesus.

Until your relationship with Jesus is in place and: He is Lord of all your life He alone is your strength and help and all your hopes, purposes and dreams for future happiness are found in Him alone You live Matt 6:33.

He will not give you a spouse as they will get between you and He!

When the spouse will not be a distraction from Jesus of any type then he can trust you with one.

Until then it is no use looking for a one as Satan will gladly provide his spouse for you. This is why it is so important to let God bring the person to you and not follow the ways of the world which Satan promotes in his media.

Until Jesus is your lord so that nothing, including a relationship with a spouse, will affect the relationship with Him, He will not usually give you a spouse.

Why should Jesus give you someone who could come between you and He and who may ultimately cause you to lose your salvation.


Dating to find a marriage partner is not God’s way of doing things

It allows Satan to find a partner for you

It shows you do not trust God to provide a partner for you

Going out as a group is not dating but socialising

Dating cannot be an indication you are to marry if God has brought you together and you are now getting to know one another in preparation for possible formal engagement and marriage.

Dating is just another name for socialising and you must do that within the parameters God sets for you and not those of Satan.  Satan has made it what it is today but it was never intended to be that way in God’s scheme of things.

You should only start dating after you both agree you are to marry (in the betrothal period)

Romancing should now occur in the dating period not to win her heart but to show you appreciate her for who she is and desire her because God has given her to you to marry.

Formal engagement cements the betrothal period and marks the time to begin setting up the marriage household (if you have not done so already).  Relational problems should have been sorted out early in the betrothal period before formal engagement occurred.

Remember, the moment God informs you both that you are to marry you are betrothed in His eyes.

God provides a wife

Prov 18:12  Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

How do you find your wife?  God puts you together and brings you to each other.

Matt 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Before God can bless you it requires you to be in a relationship with Him that  allows Him to bless you.  You must be doing what He requires you to do for Him.  He will not bring a godly wife to an ungodly man (and visa versa) but Satan will.  This is why you need to be led by The Holy Spirit to discern who has brought this person to you to marry.

To find a godly wife focus on your relationship with Jesus and He will bring one to you without you having to search for her or worry about ever being married.  It will be on the path He has for you, in His timing and not yours (Matt 6:33 applies).  When you are ready and matured to manage the responsibilities of betrothal and subsequent marriage He will bring your future wife to you.

A Christian will find a partner using Satan’s methods but usually there will be heartache will result and it usually will not be the one God wants them to find.  Through this wrong marriage partner Satan minimizes any effectiveness of ministry they would do for God as a couple compared to what would have been achieved if they had married the right person.

So wait for God to bring you the one He wants you to marry and be led by The Spirit in the relationship showing God’s love to the other person in all the ways you relate to them and you will have a relationship that will be admired and desired by all who do not have this Godly type of marriage relationship.

Remember that Satan will try and bring his wife for you before God does so that dating may result in marrying the wife he has picked for you and not the perfect one God has picked out for you.

Satan promotes His way of courtship in the Media

It is the opposite of what God wants

It is based on Lust not Love

It is designed to promote love = sex

It is designed to form shallow relationships

It is built on sex, appearance, wealth and mutual attraction

It promotes sleeping or living with different people to test out partners and seeing if you relate to each other in a reasonable way

It promotes living together rather than marriage

It does not promote the long term commitment that marriage has

It allows changing partners without any legal complications

It allows sex experimentation outside the relationship without worrying about legal problems

It destroys marriage and the family as a structure

Remember that God will bring your wife to you so do not make a list of what you want in a wife then go and look for a woman that matches that list.  It will invariably be different to the list of what God wants in your wife.  You will be looking for the wrong woman and may miss the one He wants you to have because of this.

Gimmicks and romance

If Jesus has betrothed you then you do not need the gimmicks that Satan promotes through the media He controls.   He tries to suggest you need these gimmicks to attract a spouse (so you will not find God’s one for you) but these are not necessary to attract and keep a spouse as God knows who you are to marry and will bring you too each other.

Satan also suggests you need makeup, perfume, modern clothes etc to be beautiful in direct contrast to what God recommends in 1 Pet 3:3-4.

Expressions of love (flowers, chocolate etc.), even though not needed, should be an expression of your love and not attempt to cause another to be attracted to you.

A man needs to show love and respect and dress modestly in a way that pleases his future wife.  He must also learn how to be a gentleman and show her manners and consideration appropriate to the relationship.

A woman must dress modestly as she does not need to reveal her flesh to attract her spouse.  Too much exposed flesh may cause desire that will result in sin.  She is to hide her body and keep it for her future husband alone for when they are married.  She needs to know how to behave as a lady in a way appropriate to his gentlemanly manners towards her.

The lives of both are examples for people to see Jesus and it should show His love and desired behaviour in all the things they do.  This will turn their betrothal; period and marriage into an act of worship to Him and bring Him Glory.

God’s basic unit is marriage

God’s provision for children is found in the stable marriage relationship:

It is the basic unit of worship

It was created by God for the benefit of each spouse

It was created by God so that the ministry of the parents to the children  would be a reflection of how God ministers to us.

It was created to be the spiritual training ground for children where they would also learn the life skills needed to live as The Father desires them to live later in life.

Children need a mother and father to find their true identity as a person.  Where there is only one parent or both are of the same sex this usually does not occur.  You must give the needs you cannot fulfil in a child to Jesus and trust Him to deal with them.

Sex before Marriage

Sex before marriage is dangerous.

Firstly either or both may catch a sexually transmitted disease or AIDS

Secondly the woman may get pregnant and be left alone with the baby as the man runs away

The woman may even end up getting both things

There is also the emotional damage caused by the man running away when he finds the woman is pregnant.

There is also the fact they may have to get married and work so that their education is stopped and they have to work at menial occupations just to live.

There is also the stigma attached to being an unmarried mother.

Sex before marriage is one way Satan can destroy the effectiveness and life of a person, specially a Christian.


Sleeping Around

Why do people have multiple sex partners before marriage? What does a woman gain from it that she will risk getting pregnant, or getting a venereal disease and/or aids?

No one plays Russian roulette with their bodies unless they are damaged emotionally in a major or way.

The usual cause is sexual abuse so that the person has no self esteem and ends up treating sex as a sign of love or acceptance or even a possible way of finding their ‘Prince Charming’.

They can end up thinking that all man really want is sex and that it is a way to get love and to show love.  This is how Satan promotes love in the media and most people who do this are influenced by this in some way so accept it as a correct way to relate.

They often do not enjoy sleeping around but it is a learned behaviour and acceptable to them.  It may be a result of the lie that sex = love or a coping mechanism for abuse they have received or a belief they are good for nothing better than that.  They may even know it is destroying them in a way but feel trapped.  They need deliverance and the proper love Jesus gives to shown them what love and acceptance really is.

The love of a good person helps in freeing them from this addiction and compensation for lack of love (which is what sleeping around is).  One who loves them as Jesus does and who marries them for who they are in as a person and not for how good they look or how good they are at sex!

Mistresses and prostitutes

If you love your betrothed you will not hide the relationship and will commit yourself to marriage.

No woman likes to be hidden in a relationship, especially if it is sexual.  Any woman who accepts these mistress like conditions needs deliverance to remove the hurts that make her accept it.

At times they may even feel like a prostitute, especially so in marriage where lust is the main drive for sex.  Also in the betrothal period a woman will feel the same as a prostitute if she is lusted after and not loved for who she is.