May 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
How do friends relate?
Socialising is mixing with others at the first level of relating to others. From this friendships develop. The deeper the friendship the More intimate the relationship.
Betrothal is a more intimate relationship of friendship second only To marriage in regard to intimacy of earthly relationships.
The most intimate relationship is with God.
Do not look for the person you are going to marry amongst close friends as God may have some one in another topwn or country that He desires you to marry!
God and Satan organize marriages.
When God does it:
God does something in your hearts and you know you are to marry
There is no infatuation or lust, only a desire to be with the person and do what is best to serve them. The Nature of true love is that of a servant.
When you are apart there is no fear of losing them
You love them with a true love so that problems and fears are sorted out and you can talk to each other about anything.
You love the sound of their voice and being in their presence. When you are together time has no meaning.
Their appearance does not matter as it is who they are inside as a person that matters to you.
The past does not matter as it is what they are at that moment that attracts you. They are God’s workmanship or He would not have brought them to you to marry. To complain about the person is to deny God’s perfect workmanship and is rebellion. This does not mean they may not have faults or need deliverance but that they are the perfect one for you for God to begin to further mould you and them to His image individually and as a couple.
Everything you do as a couple is centred on Jesus and His Will and you both put His Kingdom and its Purposes before your own.
You do not cause each other to sin. You cannot as Love does no harm to another. If there are problems with love in any area then you help each other understand the problem as well as do any deliverance to remove any problem.
You are unable to hurt them or bring the relationship with them into disrepute as you love them so much.
You have peace about them being your partner and everything you both do in the relationship.
There will be purpose and direction because of the unity of The Holy Spirit. In the marriage they will also be as one through the unifying Holy Spirit in them as well as the soul ties resulting from sex. In a sense it is like the trinity: one in heart, one in soul and one in spirit through The Holy Spirit but two separate people.
Circumstances just seem to fall into place in the marriage preparation and you have peace about them and every area and activity you have in the relationship with them and if anything does cause problems it is quickly sorted out and removed.
Never be angry with your future spouse, assume things about them or react to what the do or say but ask The Holy Spirit what to do.
Satan will try to destroy the betrothal and engagement and will try to drive you apart. This shows it is not a marriage he wants to occur.
You desire to be together, not only because of being with each other, but also to serve Jesus in the marriage so you can:
Be fruitful and multiply
Share Christ to others as a couple by life (example as individuals and a married couple) and word (through teaching and preaching) and by this demonstrate The Kingdom of God to them
Show how beautiful marriage is when Jesus is central to all of it
Share ministry equally as a couple, united by The Holy Spirit demonstrating the Power and Leading of The Holy Spirit, bringing Glory to The Father and Jesus.
It is only as The Holy Spirit leads in this preparation time and in the subsequent marriage can these things occur.
A couple whose heart is knit by God walk in love and their love for each other influences all they do and overflows to all around them. Only as Jesus is Lord of the marriage can this occur. For a marriage of love to occur Jesus must be the Lord of each partner and they each need to be led by The Holy Spirit in all their relationships and activities with each other and to those around them. There will be no lust in the relationship as they seek to serve the other partner before the self.
Lust serves itself first. Love Serves the need of the other first. If you love the spouse you will desire to give them pleasure before your own and will have pleasure from the pleasure you give them. This will be in everything and not just sex. This attitude of service to your spouse is matured in the betrothal period in preparation for its fulfilment in sex and marriage.
When your spouse is the one God has chosen for you, sex is not important. You desire their presence and to be one with them in heart and spirit and this is more important than anything else. You encourage each other just by the joy of being together and hearing each others voice with their words of love towards you and also because of the anticipation of the coming marriage and life together that will result.
The unity of purpose that they have, because they are led by The Holy Spirit, also encourages each other as they see the purpose Jesus has for them in the marriage and embrace these out of love and joy for Him.
You will just know in your heart they are the one and all that happens in the relationship will confirm it.
This type of love can grow and mature and become more intimate as there is no fear or walls to stop communication and intimacy from developing. They are not concerned about rejection because they have offended their spouse as love accepts people as they are and does not judge, shame or condemn people when they fail but helps them overcome problems and weaknesses regardless of the cost to themselves (James 5:16).
As you pursue true love for your partner it grows deeper and there is more peace, joy and intimacy in the relationship. You also will not offend them and in all interactions with them you will show God’s Love ( The Fruit of The Holy Spirit) in all you do. You will be: gentle, kind, considerate, patient, unselfish, undemanding in things and will put their needs before your own in all you do with them.
If a person truly loves another as Jesus loves that person they will not try to control that person or to to draw that person into sin, sexual or other. Jesus will provide an activity to replace the sexual temptations that are more in keeping with what He wants them to do.
The desire for your spouse should not only be for the anticipated joy of sex but for the pleasure of always being with them serving them and doing things together. The joy of sex will result from the response of your future spouse because you have this attitude of love towards them.
This self denial will make the relationship stronger as the other partner sees your love for them and that they consider your needs above their own needs and desires.
Love in marriage is more than just smooching, cuddling, sex, having a good time etc., (as Satan implies in the media). It is in the everyday things in which you show your love in service to your future spouse:
Keeping the house clean
Keeping people fed and healthy
Submitting domestically etc.
Maintaining the house and land
Supplying the needs of the family
Nurturing and loving his wife and family in sickness and health.
Providing good headship and guidance for the family etc.
Together serving each other as is necessary for their best.
Washing the dishes
Helping each other as needed.
The pleasure of just being with them etc.
You do these because you love your spouse and want to help and serve them. God is Love and we are to desire to be like Him and the nature of love is selfless service.
If this is not what you desire now for each other then do not marry until it is.
Always remember that love does not do for another what they should be doing for them self but helps them when it is necessary. Love, however, will serve another in the things that it is not necessary for the other to do and which either of them can do.
An example is driving children somewhere. There is no specific role in either gender for this so the husband can show love to the wife and do it to save her having too. Where the activity belongs to one or the other’s roles then permission is needed to take over from the other spouse and show love through doing it for them.
This service is not done to be appreciated or for the purposes of self-esteem. The love of your spouse for you should give you worth and esteem and they should also appreciate you for who you are and not for just what you do. Service to the spouse should be a response of your love for them and their appreciation of you.
In the betrothal period all these attitudes need to be developed and matured, after all this period is the training ground for matrimony and any mistakes here are harder to fix up in the marriage. The bonding must be in the spiritual so that hearts and spirit are knit as one in unity and purpose. This is how union is in heaven between husband and wife and is outworked in the spiritual on earth as loving service and in the physical it is further expressed in marriage as sex.
Remember that everything begins in the spiritual in the relationship between each spouse and Jesus and is reflected subsequently in some way in the physical.
There should be no sex in the betrothal period. Sex is the act of marriage and immediately turns the betrothal into a marriage state so that in the eyes of God you are married. If you are engaged (betrothed) and you have sex with each other then in the eyes of God you are married. If you live together as husband and wife and have sex with each other, then in the eyes of God you are married.
The betrothal period is where you learn how to meet the emotional needs and hurts of your betrothed so these can be dealt with before the marriage. This is necessary so that the marriage will not be hindered by emotional needs and hurts that have not been dealt with which will hinder and damage the marriage relationship.
The classic example is in regard to people who have been raped or sexually molested. Unless they are delivered of the spiritual consequences of these acts they will always have problems with sex. This is because of the fears they have which are associated with the abuse and hurts they had from the rape or molestation.
If you cannot love your betrothed sufficiently to meet their emotional needs before you are living together as husband and wife you should not marry as things will only get worse in the marriage. Marriage does not solve problems. It creates them. This is why you need to go through deliverance and be led by The Holy Spirit in the relationship so you can be shown by Him how to solve problems in the relationship as well as to develop the relationship in the betrothal period.
It is better to meet their emotional needs and hurts before marraige and see if you can do this than find after you are married you cannot meet them. Deliverance is important for this meeting of needs and should occur before marriage so that these hurts are not taken into the marriage and cause problems.
Love your betrothed because they are a very intimate brother or sister to you but let the full expression of this love in any sexual sense be kept for the marriage. The woman will appreciate that your love for her is pure and is for whom she is having no sexual overtones or lust and when the time is come for its full expression she will be able to give herself to you guilt free. The desire should be for each other not for each other’s body.
The man needs to control his sex urges so he can love with a pure love and not with lust desiring sexual gratification. While sex may be an expression of their love in marriage, in the betrothal period this is not an option and they are to learn to love each other without this as they are preparing for eternity in heaven where sex is no longer practised and only pure love remains. Sex is a result of this type of love and not a cause of it. It is also not a necessary expression of their love but it is a lot of fun and if carried out properly gives each partner great pleasure.
Pure love desires just to be with the person and seeks to express itself to the spouse in any Godly way it can and does not ask anything in return having its joy in the service of someone they love.
God is Love and to have a happy betrothal period it is necessary to love your future spouse as He does. To have a happy marriage also requires the same quality of love expressed and is an expression of your love for God. If you have trouble expressing God’s type of Love then you will probably need deliverance..
There should be no difference between the love you have for each other in the betrothed period and in the marriage. The only difference is that marriage allows more scope for the expression of this love.
If you love a person it is very hard to do anything to hurt them or to cheapen your love for them.
You will find anything that cheapens your deep pure love for them is almost impossible to do because your love is such that you want to protect them from sin and its harmful consequences as well as from anything that would cheapen your love for each other.
Your love for them is deep and all consuming. you cannot show shallow love to them. It is the love Jesus places in us and is shown to the spouse because He is in us as Lord. It accepts the spouse as they are and desires to be one with them as they are and not as you desire them to be. Sex is a result of their acceptance and not a cause of it.
The Holy Spirit must rule in all and The Spirit does not express Himself in sensuality but in deep, selfless, serving love which you cannot have unless He rules. Without His leading you may approach this standard of love at times but it will not be a way of life, betrothal and marriage.
When you accept that the marriage will definitely occur you enter a different stage of the relationship where the joy of being with the person replaces the constant desire to be with them. There is no longer a fear of losing them. You can be separated from them but not constantly desiring them with the same intensity you did earlier. The desire to be with them is there but it does not consume you any more. Your desire for them comes from deep within your spirit and is no longer from the emotions or feelings and so is no longer controlled by them.
There is no longer a fear of losing them and a patient waiting takes over as you prepare for the marriage and living together.
In your spirit is joy and love that patiently waits to see the other and rejoices to be together but this desire no longer controls you so that you can get on with doing what is necessary in life and preparation for marriage without being clouded by ‘love’ and ‘desire’ for the other.
This becomes an attitude you now work in (as guided by The Holy Spirit) to prepare yourselves rationally for the marriage as well as prepare the marriage ceremony, honeymoon, marriage home and any necessary legal and financial work necessary for these marriage arrangements to be brought to fruition in the way God desires them to be carried out.
You are able to prepare the everyday details for these things without excitement and sensuality getting in the road and also avoid the trap of Satan to always concentrate on the sensual side at the expense of the practical side. Satan tries to get you to focus on feelings and emotion rather than on Jesus and His Will for you. Satan seeks to throw your plans into disarray through lack of preparation and through lust expressed as sex so as to bring Jesus into disrepute, even if only in the spiritual realm as he tries to get you to ignore what Jesus wants you to do so that you end up in the disorder Satan promotes in people and their environment.
The background intensity of the love and joy you feel gives you the hope and strength to go on in daily living as well as to prepare for the marriage. The knowledge that it is God’s Will for you and thus is best for you strengthens your resolve to do all that is necessary to prepare for your marriage. The sexual side is not important as the focus is on the preparing of the marriage so it will please Jesus. This means you put His desires before your own knowing that His desires are best for your relationship and will be used by Him to further His Kingdom.
You must remember intimacy is not sex but the sharing of hearts in a pure love so you become as one in heart and mind as you each are with Jesus and will become increasingly one with each other as a result.
As you develop your relationship with Jesus your love will mature for Him and each other so the key to this betrothal period is to press into Jesus so He is more and more Lord of your life. He will then be more and more Lord of your betrothal, preparation for marriage and marriage and it will be as He desires it to be, being led by The Holy Spirit in the direction Jesus wants it to be.
This is a period to work out fears you have for or about each other. Often the fear will be from a past relationship and will be transferred to the betrothal and subsequent marriage if they are not dealt with through deliverance. These fears must be dealt with and given to Jesus or they will poison the relationship and may even destroy it.
It is also a time to obtain deliverance from past hurts and pain so that these will not be brought into the marriage and eventually destroy it.
When you have found the person God wants you to marry you will feel incomplete without them. Marriage then becomes a desire to be with them as only then will you be complete as a person. It is not a desire for sex but a desire to become one with them in Jesus spiritually as the physical unity flows on from that as an expression of that spiritual unity with Jesus and each other.
Do not have any preconceived ideas in regard to the man or woman God wants you to marry. He knows the perfect match for you. Regardless of what culture they are from or what they have done in the past they will have what will compliment you as a person and will have the complimentary giftings to help you minister as a couple in unity in Jesus.
This is providing you help each other to grow in Jesus and mature into the marriage it needs to be for Him to use. If this maturation occurs then He will use you as He desires too and you will be blessed by Him in ways He cannot otherwise bless you in and which He believes is best for you.