His Needs Her Needs

I deal with some of the basic needs of a marriage.

Her first need is for him to build her up, protect her and support her in the various roles she has as a mother, teacher, wife and helpmeet and to show by his attitude to her that she is appreciated for what she does and also for the sacrifices she makes to do them and especially to tell her this as often as she needs it.  He need to be built up by her submitting to him and showing appreciation of what he does for her.

God gave man all he needed so that he could be in a direct relationship with God.  He realised man could not run a family by himself so gave him a helpmeet.  The arrangement father, mother, child also parallels the trinity.

So a wife is independent as a spiritual being related to God but tied to him as a person to fun a family and minister as a complete team, each contributing their different god-given skills and emotional mnakeup to the ministry team they make.

Eve was made to compliment man and to not be his slave.  She was Adam’s balance to fulfil and complete him physically.  This is how a husband and wife should see each other, that as a couple they are complete because the other completes them.

Women are therefore made differently to men or they would not be a compliment to man and have needs that man only can fulfil through the way she allows him to love her.  When a woman has been abused before or during the marriage she cannot be the helpmeet she needs to be until she is delivered as the demons in her stir up things that prevent the unity in the marriage that God wants.

The Character of Women

When examining the character of women it appears God has made them emotionally fragile (not emotionally weak) requiring affirmation from a male for their self worth to be encouraged.  IT SHOULD BE FROM THEir FATHER BUT OFTEN IS NOT THERE.  This means many women enter a marriage in a bad state of emotional stress and low self-esteem.  Satan has also built up as world system make makes women insecure and obtain value and self esteem through things most of them cannot do or be.  So a husband must appreciate a wife for whom she is and not what the world says a woman should be.

Deliverance can remove this but it requires the husbands lover and attention to keep the woman feeling secure and worthwhile.  Unless a husband constantly affirms the value of his wife to himself and appreciates her in all she does then she will have emotional problems and have trouble loving him as she should.


There should be no secrets in a marriage so that information important to the marriage is not hidden from the other partner. If there are such secrets there is deception and Satan will encourage this as he is the father of deception.  A husband and wife should be emotionally and spiritually naked before each other so any problems in these areas can be dealt seen and dealt with so that God can mature them and guide them in His work and also so that intimacy and sex are not hindered in anyway.  Unless there is complete openness and communication in a marriage then Satan will get in and eventually destroy that marriage.

Remember, It is not what you say at Times that is important but how you say it.

Remember that sins before marriage are past tense. Forgiven and forgotten by God and should not be be mentioned unless understanding is needed for communication or deliverance.  No husband can judge a wife for her past sins as God alone is her judge.  He needs to accept her as she is, reformed sinner and not live in the past (Luke 9:62).  He must let her show she has repented and no longer does them before he says anything to remind her of them.  Jesus does not and the husband has no right too.

It is no use speaking words of love in a way that shows you are not sincere or really mean.

When you talk to your spouse, mean what you say and she will be secure in the relationship with you knowing That there is no hidden agenda towards her that you are hiding through hypocritical speech so that she can accept on face value everything ou say.

You need to find the words, phrases and behaviour patterns that your spouse loves to hear from you that communicate your love for them in a way that is special to them.

You also need to find what words, phrases and behaviour patterns upset them and make them feel criticised or rejected.

Then you need to find those words or behaviour patterns your spouse considers special to your love for them which only you and your spouse know are special.  These special words are not just for making love but for use in every day conversation so when they are said your spouse knows you are telling them they are special to you!

Sins prior to marriage

What has happened before the marriage, unless it is necessary to know for the purposes of deliverance of a spouse, is no business of anyone.  Sin is between the person and Jesus, unless there is an offence that needs to be dealt with.  No one else but Jesus need know and no one has a right to know either, unless it affects them now and means deliverance is required in some way or an offence needs to be dealt with.

When they are found out but have been repented of and no longer done they are toi be forgotten and not remembered to use against the spouse.  Love forgets but evil condemns.  Love h umbly advises and  helps.  Evil condemns and judges.

The quickest way to destroy a relationship is condemnation for something they have done.

If you love them and they still have a the problem then you will do everything you can to help them overcome the problem so they can be the person Jesus desires them to be.


She needs to feel she is worth listening to and that her inner most feelings are worthwhile communicating. If the man will not listen to her, her self-worth drops as does her belief in his unconditional love for her. She will feel unacceptable and will be hesitant in approaching her partner in an unreserved way. His love for her should allow her to express herself unreservedly, uninhibitedly and unshamedly.

The same applies for her husband.

Sharing fears

Should you tell your spouse your fears about them or things they have done wrong and offended you by this?

A spouse should do everything they can to remove the fears of their partner to stop Satan using these fears to cause problems in the marriage relationship.  Fears hinder and destroy love because they cause self preservation which means the focus becomes on their self and not on Jesus or their spouse so that they cannot love or serve their spouse as they should.

You should express fears only if they do not have emotional damage that will stop them being able to receive and deal with what you say to them.  You need to deal with this emotional damage first before they can deal with the problem you want to discuss with them.  If you do not remove the damage then telling them will actually harm the relationship in some way.  You may both need deliverance to deal with the fear or situation.  The Holy Spirit will show you what to do.

A danger that arises is not to see your spouse as trying to help you but to react to her because she appears to be relating to you the way a former abuser related.  You could be reacting to someone completely different from your past but projecting it onto your spouse.  This is why you should never react but ask The Holy Spirit what to do.

The three lessons to learn from this are:

Do not confuse your spouse with the person who hurt you or you will react to our spouse as you reacted to the person hurting you

Some deliverance may be necessary before you can tell a person their weakness

Do not react but stop and sort out who you are reacting too: spouse, abuser, your hurts?  Ask The Holy Spirit what to do and then do it.


A woman responds to the way her husband treats her, especially in the day, before they have sex. But the way he treats her in the day, before they have sex, must be consistent with the way he treats her normally on days the do not have sex.

If a man is always loving and gentle to his wife because he loves her in the way Jesus does she will always gladly give herself to him.  But if he is loving and gentle because he wants sex she will not feel the desire and will feel used and at times even like a prostitute.

The husband needs to be submitted to Jesus so he can develop as a husband and man.  He also needs sex as it feeds his self-esteem as a male, as does his need also to satisfy her in sex. She needs to communicate what gives her pleasure and he needs to know how his wife responds to his touch. If lust is involved it will be a desire for selfish pleasure. If love is involved it will be a desire to give the wife pleasure before his own pleasure so she can respond and give him pleasure.

This is how you get the best response from your partner by putting their pleasure before yours.  Serving them with your body without the need to get pleasure except from her response to you.  This also removes lust as the focus is on our partner’s pleasure and not your own pleasure.

Love, in sex, seeks to primarily give the other spouse pleasure.  As they are given pleasure and see the love behind it the will respond and give them pleasure.  Remember!  Man is the originator and the wife responds to his love.  This does not mean he has to start everything all the time but if that love is not there the wife will have problems responding as she should to him.


The woman’s spiritual security in the marriage should be Jesus as she serves Him and He is responsible for her spiritual needs so she can serve Jesus as He wants her to (1 Pet 2:25).  If both spouses walk in The Spirit this will not be a problem.

A woman needs the security a husband provides to develop and mature in the safety and provision he gives her.  He should do all he can to help her in this and not just allow her to do the necessary thing for this.

This stops her worrying about the love her husband has for her (shown by the things he does for her) and allows her to function as she should, comforts her and takes away the worry about things so she can concentrate on her role as a wife, mother and partner as well as be a good housekeeper and meet the needs she is suppose to in the relationships of the family

Physically, her husband will keep her secure as a reflection of the spiritual security Jesus gives them both.  Their position in The kingdom of God will also give them physical security in the kingdom of the enemy.

The husband should show the love of Jesus towards his wife in all his interactions with her.  This will encourage her to submit and obey God in headship knowing all the husband does for her will be out of love for her.

In this unity of The Holy Spirit they will serve Jesus as He wants them too.  It is when one partner is abused and needs deliverance that problems and disunity arise.

On the domestic side of things the woman needs a secure environment without the need to obtain provision for her family so she can do the work of a wife and mother. It is the husband’s responsibility to support the wife so she can do her work in the house. This is in recognition of the different character/temperaments and abilities of males and females that occur because of the different roles God has ordained for them.

The woman in proverbs 31 trades, but it is only because her household is in order and she feels secure that she can confidently do this.

Headship needs to be in place (it is domestic and not spiritual) so the wife does not need to concern herself unduly about the finances and protection for the family but only about her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

This does not mean she cannot work or make and sell things but that this is done after her other responsibilities are met and that any such trading is not essential to the support of the family; They add to the quality of life of the family and are done out of love for her family and not just for the sake of making money.


He needs to come home to a place where there is order and he does not have to compete for or look for things or resolve bickering.  This makes his home a place to desire to come home too and builds his self-esteem making his daily effort worthwhile to maintain this haven from the world.

A Husband is to head the house so the household is in the order God wants it to be.  If the headship is not in order the household will not be in order.

In a house where Jesus is Lord all revolves around His Will and Purposes and all will be in order

A husband who nurtures, develops his wife and accepts His wife’s wisdom and knowledge and treats her as an equal will be a happy husband.


1 Pet 3:3-4 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

This verse does not mean a woman does not wear make-up or jewellery.  It means a a woman should not get her worth or value from her appearance but from who she is in jesus because of her relationship with him and the results that this relationship has on her as a person.

Jewellery, make-up and clothing should always be moderate and modest.  The Holy Spirit will tell you when you have gone beyond the modesty God desires His women to have and at times will tell you what you are to wear.

If you get your value or worth from your appearance and what you wear then deliverance is probably needed and it will always be dependant on these things and not on who you are as a person.  You will also show a false front to your husband, trying to be something you should not be - a fashion statement instead of a Godly woman whose worth is whom she is as a person.


A man is not to wear a woman’s clothing or a woman to wear a man’s clothes.  This means a woman should not wear trousers but can wear slacks.  It more likely means impersonating the other sex or wearing clothes that typify the other sex, like a man wearing a bra e.g.  Many clothes of men and women perform a similar function but it is the way they are styled that is different.  And this also should be a consideration when putting into that practice the command of God not to look like the other sex intentionally.

Clothing is designed to differentiate between male and female and should heighten a man’s masculinity or a woman’s femininity.  Clothing that does not do this should only be worn when The Holy Spirit tells you too.

Any other occasion is against the will of God!


What a Wife Needs

The following discussion was with a young lady in a chat room and summarises beautifully what women want:

Me: men do not understand women

She: What’s to understand? Lavish us with love and tenderness and respect and we are putty in their hands.  Ignore us and we are she devils!!

We Are little girls at heart, we need the love and tenderness.  You guys don’t need it.  We don’t understand that, but you don’t!

Women need to be appreciated for who they are.  Not what the world says they should be or the husband thinks they should be.  They need to be appreciated for the way God made them, the mind they have and the gifts and abilities God gave them.  They need to be loved as they are - a fellow Christian and not a just a wife under the domestic control of the husband.

They need to need treated spiritually as an equal and physically as the weaker vessel but still an equal partner in the marriage (but under the domestic authority of the man, except for the areas he has delegated to his wife).  Their feelings and viewpoint needs to be listened to if they are to feel worthwhile.

In other words women have emotional, sexual, mental, spiritual, physical and intellectual value and needs and these should be nurtured by their husband and peers and she should be able to express herself as she needs in these areas.  Not being able to do so will eventually destroy the woman.

If a husband loves his wife, he will put her needs before his own and she will respond and be able to satisfy his needs as domestic head of the house and as spiritual partner in ministry.

It is remembered a woman gives up a lot to marry a man and exposes herself in many areas in which she can be emotionally destroyed.

She leaves the security of a home to live with someone for whom she will make a home for and serve the rest of his life, whose children she will bear in the pain of childbirth and selflessly care for while he is at work providing her with a house to live in and her other needs to live on this earth.  She also gives up her rights domestically as he becomes her ‘ruler’ domestically as she submits to him in obedience to Jesus.  The least she can expect is to be appreciated and thanked for this as well as having her husband emotionally support and comfort her as needed and provide a secure environment for her.

A Husband is to love his wife as Christ Loves the Church and died for it.  A wife is to respect her husband and submit domestically to him because Jesus has made him her domestic head and also because they are spiritually equal and as spiritual equals should respect each other equally..  Love is a bonus for the wife.  In fact the marrying for love is quite a recent notion in many parts of the world where arranged marriages were and still are normal

 The Bible says she is to respect and submit to her husband and requires nothing else of a woman, but as a Christian she is to love him as one.  Note that there are no exceptions for the husband loving his wife or a wife submitting domestically to husband and respecting him as there is no exceptions to each loving the other as Jesus loves them.  This type of love is a must if you want to obey Jesus and have a proper relationship in the marriage.

A wife should respect her husband for providing for her and supporting her and placing her needs first in all things. I said needs not greeds.  A need is something a person has that enables them to cope with life.  A greed is an unnecessary thing and is really a luxury as it is not required for daily living.  Greeds are also selfish and will be used by Satan to draw you away from Jesus and what He wants (requires) you to do.

Sometimes it is necessary to do something or buy the wife something special and out of the ordinary such as a piece of inexpensive Jewellery (The Holy Spirit will show you what to buy or do).  This is done to show appreciation of her and not because you are rich and can afford it.  This action must be done to meet an emotional need of hers (as directed too by The Holy Spirit) and not because of greed or covetousness (which is bad stewardship).

So if you want to obey Jesus and not live in continual rebellion; a husband is to love his wife selflessly and a wife is to respect her husband and submit domestically to him.

Through his control of media and society Satan has removed from relationships criteria the attitudes needed to appreciate or respect another person.  All good relationships requires correct attitudes to be in them.  This is why the world in the west is as it is as these attitudes of love and service are no longer in the attitudes of most people.

Never take your wife for granted but always appreciate her love and service of you and love respect her for this and whom she is too you – a gift from God!.

How to keep a wife or future wife happy

Keep Jesus and the purposes of His Kingdom central in all you both do

Encourage her and help her build her faith and trust in Jesus and trust in you

Worship and pray with her

Read The Bible together

Accept her as an equal partner in ministry as she has gifts that compliment yours and is the person God has given to you to help you in any ministry you have been given by Jesus.

Give her a consistent godly example of headship

Protect her

Trust her

Give her complete security

Support her in all that she does that is not wrong and gently help her overcome weaknesses or problems that she has.  She should also support you in the way you support her

Intimacy without sex will show she is appreciated for who she is and not just her body

In sex seek to please her before yourself

Develop other ways than sex to be intimate with her

Listen to her and show she is worthwhile as a person and acceptable as she is.

Be a gentleman to her: open car doors, serve and protect her at buffets, serve her in love as the weaker member.  In all things you do to or for her you should be a gentle man exhibiting the fruit of gentleness in the relationship you have with her.

Never stop romancing her until you draw your last breath

Meet her fears so Satan cannot use them to put a division between you and her

Plan with her in all things that affect you both and support her, where possible, in the things she decides for herself (her clothes, appearance, hobbies and other forms of  how she expresses herself as a person) or decides on your behalf (the areas in which she has been delegated authority by you).

Allow her to be the person she is and not what people think a wife should be except where spiritual values are involved then it is God wanting her that way not the husband (but he needs to be supportive of her to help her get to where God wants her to be spiritually and maturity wise).

Do not criticise her in a destructive manner but in a constructive way so that she is encouraged as a person and not made to feel worthless.

Never raise your voice to her or shout at her.

Praise her when it is appropriate, especially to others

Ask her to do things and be appreciative and thank her when she does it.

Show God’s Love you do in all things you do to her.

Remember, The Holy Spirit is your guide in everything including how you treat your wife!

Remember husbands, you will be accountable to God if you do not do these things.

A husband needs to be aware of the tone of His voice when he communicates with His spouse.  The voice can communicate love, acceptance, rejection and so many other positive or negative attitudes to a person.  Prov 31:26 shows how the Godly wife communicates with her husband and family and he too should communicate this way to her and the family.

(KJV)  She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Remember also that every loose (idle) word will need to be accounted for on the day of judgment (Matt 12:36).  You will stand before Jesus and have to explain why you said them. (shudder!)

It is so easy for a husband to crush his wife.  All he has to do is:

Criticise her loving service towards him or

Criticise her achievements in front of her peers or children or

Make her feel irrelevant by not listening to what she is saying or

Walk away from her rather than discuss things with her.

Show apathy towards her

Ridicule her in the sex act in some way

He needs to show his love and support even though she may not be completely capable in an area or and he needs to show it in a way that indicates he is not lying about it and also help her to develop the skills necessary to be capable in that area.

If your spouse does not meet your standards in an area:

Ask The Holy Spirit:

Are your standards are too high

Are they what Jesus expects the standard should be

Ask why, in case you need deliverance

Ask The Holy Spirit:

If the matter is of eternal significance:

If it is then pursue it

If not then you may need to change and not your partner

Does the spouse need help to do what you expect of them?

They may not know how to do it

They may need additional information or things to do it

Does the spouse need deliverance to do it as Jesus desires it to be done.

In Summary

The key to a successful relationship such as in marriage is to never stop appreciating the other person for who they are or what they do for you and to love them as Jesus loves them and you.   In this attitude of thankfulness for who they are and what they do for you it is hard to find fault with them or criticise them.

This attitude is one of the signs of God’s Love in you and really should be expressed to all not just to your marriage partner. In regard to your marriage partner you should:

Respect them

Appreciate them

Communicate how you feel with them

Share everything

Minister as an equal

Love them as Christ Loves them

Serve them in Love

The Father’s authority in the Home

In every child there is the need to know the authority and love of their father. This because God has made the man the head of the house and in every child God has placed a need for this to be fulfilled.

This is why the father needs to reinforce the authority a mother has because her authority is submissive to the man as head of the house. He needs to back her up or she cannot raise the children as God desires them raised.

A woman who takes over headship of a house, usurping the authority a husband has, cannot do so by Godly means unless the husband has a disability that makes it unable for him to be the head of the house. This usurped headship means all suffer and the children are usually abused emotionally as a result.

A Similar situation arises when a husband will not take up his headship role but the damage resulting may not be as great though.

Where a wife has to take over headship of the house because the husband is dead or disabled then God will guide her and help her to do her role.

Discipline in the house

A husband should back up his spouse in regard to discipline and punishment of those in the household.  If he thinks it is excessive then he needs to discuss it with her.  The Holy Spirit is the final judge in this.  If they are both led by The Holy Spirit then this problem should never arise.  In reality the father should discipline when home as he is the head of the house and the wife when he is not.

Praying for The Family

When is the best time for parents to pray for their family?

In the morning before they get up or at the breakfast table with the family is the best time to pray for the day’s activities and protection over the children.

In bed at night, before sex but after ironing out any problems between them is the best time to pray for the events of the day and do any spiritual warfare they need to do over these events or activities as well as pray for the protection of the sleep of the family.

Staying together as a family

The family is a unit.  The father steers, protects  and supports it and the mother nurtures it and basically keeps it together her role is so central and pivotal to the emotional wellbeing of a family.  No wonder Satan attacks the wife more than the husband usually.

The mother has the most influence on children as she is with them the most and if she is damaged the children will be damaged.  This is where the father comes in to protect the mother spiritually and help free her from satanic bondage or attack.

This is why the wife must support a godly husband so he can love her as he should and she can respond in love to him and the family.  If this support occurs then the family will pray together, do things together and communicate truthfully with each other.  They will express hurts, problems and joy to each other and resolve offences caused by them to others in the family.

Jesus and His Kingdom will be central to all the family does and He will bless the family,  The mother shows this to her children and the father reinforces this and by the way he rules the family and His wife in the love of Jesus he gives a godly example for the children to follow.

It is as the parents are led by The Holy Spirit and the children are taught to be led by Him that the family will function as a unity in the way Jesus wants it to function and through this unity bring Him Glory and Praise.

What a husband Needs (apart from sex and food)

A man needs a woman who will let him fulfil his role as domestic head of the family.  A wife who respects him and fulfils her role as God intended it to be and not as Satan has convinced the modern world it should be.  The biggest problem is marriages is wives not fulfilling their Biblical roles and causing the husband to feel rejected and unloved so that he compensates with other things and/or other woman rather than relating to the wife.  “After all, it is not worth the effort” the man argues and blithely goes out and looks outside the marriage for fulfilment, acceptance value and self-esteem.

The woman who desires her husband to love her all the days of her life must obey God, trusting Him for the consequences of her obedience, being led by The Holy Spirit in all things or she will lose her husband emotionally and have a loveless marriage.

If a spouse has trouble with headship then one or both may need deliverance.